Friday, December 27, 2013

A little update and a big love

I realize I have not posted in a while. Between first trimester aches and pains and getting our house ready to rent, I'm exhausted! Like, I need carried into the house and need an IV to get nutrition so I can go straight to bed when I walk in the door, kind of exhausted. But I have it very easy and I am a dynamic pregnant woman. I had like 2 days of complete sickness, but still have kept the nausea to a minimum. I'm a lucky few.

As the second trimester nears, I can feel it. I can feel my energy rising, and my belly growing. I'll take whatever the first trimester throws my way, because God loves me.

Back when I had the miscarriage, that's when I felt God so near after I surrendered some of my thinking to his. He assured me that "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning". I've held onto that since that devastating night. I knew my joy would come in the morning, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would make me the mother of children. I held to those promises.

And today I am 3 months pregnant with one of the biggest miracles I've seen in my life. Everytime I go to the doctor and see my tiny being inside of me, every time I see my growing belly in the mirror, and every time I have trouble sleeping due to this growing child, I just want to cry. I want to cry out to God for fulfilling his promises. I want to cry out to God in thanksgiving, in praise. Nearly every day I just want to cry, because I am so in love with this tiny baby, and I am so in love with the CREATOR of this tiny baby. I think about how Jesus was once this tiny, this minature person in his Mommy's tummy.

Every turn of pregnancy pushes me closer to realizing the sacrifice Jesus made for us. There's just something about carrying a child inside of you that makes you want to praise God with every breath. And I might just do that. :) Sometimes my heart just feels so full right now that it could burst. I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am to God for his loving kindness. He sometimes gives us more than we can handle, so that we can be led to give it to Him to handle. I think this time he has given me more love than I can handle, and I can't help but to pour it back out to him. I will never take this moment, this pregnancy, this child for granted.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Call me Grinch

I just read a post from the garage sale site of a mother wanting others to donate presents (namely toys that she mentioned) to her 8 year old son for Christmas. Is it wrong to ask for a little help getting your children things they need, and sometimes want, for Christmas? No, not at all. But the end of her post stated that money is tight and she can't get many presents for her son this year, and that she really wants help because she doesn't want her son to lose the true meaning of Christmas.

And my heart broke a little. I have no problem helping families that need help for Christmas. But if a person is wanting presents so that their child doesn't lose the true meaning of Christmas, then they already have lost the meaning.

Call me Grinch. Call me a mean Momma. That's okay. My children will not be overloaded with gifts at Christmastime. (Except maybe from grandparents, and I can't help that one!). My children will get a stocking that includes a new set of pajamas to open Christmas Eve. My children will get 3 gifts in correlation of the 3 wise men which brought gifts to Jesus. One gift will be an outfit, one will have to do with learning (like books and such), and the third will be a toy. But accordingly, my children will select 3 toys of their own to donate to a child in need.

Am I bad Momma for not giving my children tons of new toys to occupy them at Christmastime? Am I bad Momma that my children won't sit on a strangers lap and ask for presents, or that they don't anticipate a real life Santa Claus leaving gifts because they are good? No, I don't think so. My children will learn about the real Santa, but he will be on the outskirts of Christmas. I will teach my children of Jesus, of why we receive gifts at Christmas in the first place, and how we can help those in need and make Christmas just as special for others.

Yes, we'll look at lights, we'll do a tree, but we will also spend time volunteering, shopping for others, and reading about our Savior.

I don't want my children to lose the true meaning of Christmas, but the true meaning is presents and reindeer, and about how much you get. It's about what you can give back to Jesus, how you can celebrate our creator. It's about humbleness. Is it wrong to give lots of presents and believe in Santa? Not necessarily, but I think if you aren't careful, in your attempt to keep the true meaning of Christmas, that you can lose it altogether.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My miracle

It's been incredibly difficult not to post about this before now. But now I can :)

The most difficult thing about trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is watching others around you not try and do get pregnant. And you want so much to be happy for them, and when you put everything aside, you are. And you love their babies, too. But the difficult part is showing you are happy when you are so hurt inside.

After the miscarriage, I remember asking God why in the world is he going to let this happen. Everyone always says that he won't give you more than you can handle. I disagree. I think we read the scripture wrong in this area. I think that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If he didn't, then what motivates us to turn wholly to him? We have to be given more than we can handle so that we are more likely to reach that point where we just can't do it anymore and we let him take over. IF he doesn't give us more than we can handle, that means that we can handle it on our own and sometimes disregard the creator of the universe. In everything.

I think the miscarriage got me to the place where I could not handle it. And it helped me to give up completely. Sometimes God brings you to the lowest of places because out of your weakest point, He is strongest. I understand it now.

Of course when we found out we were pregnant again, we prayed every night that we would be okay. Then we had an incident where I thought I was losing the baby, and went to the emergency room. When all was said in done, turns out we were pregnant with two but one didn't take. But the one that did is sure a fighter. The heartbeat was strong, the measurements were right on. She gave us a less than 10% chance of losing it, and next week that goes down to less than 3%. We are going to be okay. My baby is going to be okay. I get to be a Momma. I'm okay about the one not taking, because I am ecstatically in love about this tiny little peanut inside of me.

I know everyone says babies are a miracle, that everybody's babies are a miracle. But the truth is, I feel like my baby is more of a miracle because God heard my cries, he saw my heart, and after bringing me to the place my heart needed to be, he let me have a baby when, without medication, I couldn't. We were even told we would have issues on both sides, but I did get pregnant. So when other people get pregnant, I smile at their blessings, and smile doubly at my special miracle that I waited to years for. Every new mother loves their baby when they hold them, but I think there is a special, different kind of feeling that washes over new mothers who have struggled with infertility. They understand a lot more than just having a baby. They had a fight to get to that point, and though the bond is deep with any mother, I think when you've struggled with infertility, the bond might be just a little bit deeper. A little bit stronger. A little bit more overwhelming.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

A little bit of everything

I have not written in awhile for several reasons. One of those reasons includes being sick with some kind of allergies or cold or who knows what, on top of other things.

A few months back I applied to transfer to the Ada head start location. Partially to relieve current work stress, and partially to just be closer to home for when I do have children. After being told I had the position and that everything was being finalized, I realized that it was taking an extraordinarily long time, more than normal. So upon inquiring, I was notified that the position was already given to somebody else, at the last minute, for the mere fact that she was more indian than me. Normally, though upsetting, this would be understandable (thought they should have informed me sooner and not needed me to ask!), but they take no consideration into reasonings. The one that got the position lives in Sulphur, therefore she will drive back and forth to ada everything instead of staying at the Sulphur location. Make sense? Not really, not when I live in Ada.

But with that being said, a position opened up in Sulphur because of this, and I applied for the transfer to Sulphur. My heart needs the change of pace. My stress level needs the change of pace. And it will save 20 minutes driving than what I'm currently driving to get to work. Closer to home? You bet.

My doctorate is going okay. Just finished creating a curriculum review schedule. I'm thinking one day I would like to create my own homeschooling curriculum. Kind of sucks that I won't be able to home school though. My husband and I needed to compromise on this, as I think public education can be beneficial, but I know I will be an overprotective Momma and want to home school. But I want them with other children too. Dear husband just wants to public school, and as long as we are in this current school district, I don't mind as much. One less thing to fight about. But I still want to create a homeschool curriculum.

I am the nursery coordinator at church. I'm very excited to announce that beginning in January, I will be conducting the Puggles Club in the nursery. Puggles is the Awanas class for 1-3 year olds, before the Cubbies. YOu almost never hear about it because nobody wants to do it. But since I"m already in the nursery regularly and I get bored too, I thought beginning the Puggles program will give us a change of pace. I'm pretty stoked about it.

We are doing Thanksgiving at our home again this year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I enjoy having events at our home for two reasons: the first reason is because I get nervous around big crowds of people, even if I know them. And secondly is because I have a bedroom to retreat into when it gets to be too much. I guess a third reason is I know where all my bathrooms are and know my bedroom bathroom will only be used by me so I don't have to worry about walking in on anyone :) I'm a little crazy, I know.

I've got much more to say but it'll have to wait a few days ;)

Saturday, October 26, 2013


Infertility is such a secret struggle. Mostly because it's extremely personal. But part of the reason I haven't kept this issue hidden is that other women are struggling with it too and have nobody to ease the pain of not being able to have the children you want. Even if it's secondary infertility- because I know I will probably struggle with that as well. My heart breaks for other women facing infertility- because I've been there. I've cried the tears of jealousy and envy. I've cried the tears of fear, and the tears of guilt. I've been there.

I wish I had words to encourage others. But I don't have the words because infertility is sometimes inconsolable. Sometimes infertility  is just not fair. I get it. And I hate it.

But I do know that our God is a God of love, a God of reason, and a God of promise. I do not think God would put such a strong desire for children in the hearts of these women if he did not intend to fulfill their hearts' longing. "Delight thyself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart". I think this is where the answer lies. Delighting yourself in the Lord. Learning to focus on his love for you, and learning to delight in what he has given you already- relationships, sunsets, opportunities. But I don't for a moment believe that it will simply ease your pain, because this isn't a superficial kind of pain- it's a longing so deep in your heart that sometimes can't be warded off. And that's okay.

It's okay to be sad and it's okay to let us be sad. Quite simply, God shines brightest at our weakest moments. Keep that in mind, because you get very weak in the struggle against infertility.

Women that struggle with this don't expect a perfect baby- heck, we don't even want a perfect baby. we just want ours. We will be grateful for morning sickness and swollen feet, kicks to the rib, and labor pain. We know it will suck and be hard- but we still want it. Now that's desire.

Friday, October 25, 2013


I have come to accept that most people just don't get me. I'm a little quirky, and I've come to be okay with my quirkiness. But just for fun, I thought I'd enlighten my readers.

I cannot eat ice cream with a spoon. It has to be a fork.
This is because the spoon has a scoop on it, and sometimes people put icecream on their spoon and pull it out of their mouth and there's residue on the spoon. And that grosses me out.

I cannot eat foods that have ugly names.
Example: Goulash. If you would call it noodle mix or spaghetti or something, I could eat it. But I hate the sound of "goulash".

I will not shop out stores that are purposefully misspelled in an attempt to be cute.
Example: Karry out Korner, Kum and go, etc. Come on people, let's be literate in America.

My hangers have to be the same color.

I think escalators are lazy.... but elevators are more lazy.

I'm kind of a grammar fanatic, but I will de-friend you for being a grammar nazi. 

I really like stories and movies about prostitute redemption. 
Moulin Rouge, Taken, Redeeming Love.

My favorite words are harlot and brothel. 
They just really have good pronunciation flow.

For as OCD as I am about cleaning... clean laundry piles up in our house. I HATE folding clothes!

I have an obsession with containers, cartons, and boxes.

I think the most romantic kind of date is sitting on a rooftop, talking and eating ice cream (with a fork). Right out of the container.

I don't have to write things down to remember them. I only write things down because I have a cute notebook for it and I like to cross things out as I do them.

I would much rather have new school supplies that I probably don't need than a new pair of shoes.

I"m kind of obsessed with pearls. And camels.

This is all I can think of right now, but I know there is more :) ENJOY

Sunday, October 20, 2013

10 things I've learned from being married

In the three short years that I have been married, there are several things that I have learned.

1. He doesn't see how messy the house is- he just sees how much he loves you.

      This one is very hard for me because I am a bit OCD. I like things in order, and I like them neat. I feel out of place when the dishes need done or clothes need folding. And I often feel like I'm neglecting wife duties, even when I do have a job too. But then I realize, he doesn't care that the trash needs out or that the laundry needs washed- he is just glad I'm home with him.

2. Don't read too much into what he says....or doesn't say.

     I have a bad habit of over-thinking everything. I have learned hard not to read into things too much. Same goes when he doesn't say something. Just because he doesn't tell me I"m pretty one day doesn't mean he doesn't think it's so. It plainly means that he doesn't think he needs to tell me because he knows I know that he thinks that.

3. It is more enjoyable to love your spouse instead of yourself.

      I have noticed that the more effort I put into showing my husband how much I love him, the more I love myself. When you live to love someone else, your life becomes more valuable. I guess that saying "It's better to love than to be loved", holds some truth.

4. Love isn't about grand gestures.

     Romance isn't just flowers and poems. Romance isn't fancy dates or sexy nights. (Sure, it's always nice!). But love is about the small gestures- the kiss goodnight, the decision to purposefully show love in an argument, the sticking it out through a hard season. That's love.

5. What others say about your marriage doesn't matter.

       In fact, outright ignore what anyone else says about your marriage. Plenty of times I"ve been told that this is just my "first" marriage. Others often think our marriage is superficial because we haven't had any outright fights (but that's down to the fact that we are both non-confrontational and don't like to disagree). The key doesn't matter how anyone else views your relationship. What matters is how the two of you view your relationship.

6. Be friends.

     This means finding something to do together, laughing together. We have plenty of romantic days, but some of my favorite are the days where we just hang out and be friends. Some of the best days are camping in the cold, or working in the yard together. Just being together.

7.  Never speak bad about your spouse in front of people.

     Never speak bad about them ever, really. If you bad talk your spouse to friends, someday, somehow, it'll come back to them, and think how they will feel when they do hear what you've been saying. Instead, uplift them to your friends. When your friends start talking poorly about their husbands, interject how great your spouse is- how he did something that made you feel loved. Sure, they may feel like you are rubbing it in their faces, but in reality you are uplifting your spouse in the midst of put downs. You are doing the right thing and setting a better standard for your marriage. I could go on and on about this one for a very long time, but I won't today....

8. Don't let trying for a baby jeapordize the importance of your time together.

     I don't think we've actually ever had this problem. But I know it happens ;)

9. It's important to sleep in the same bed.

      I've heard a lot of christian speakers lately talking about how you should have intimate time with your spouse but that since sleep is so vital to your health, it is more important to get a full nights sleep than to sleep in the same bed as your spouse. They say it's fine to have separate beds or separate rooms to sleep, as long as you meet marital requirements. I disagree. I think it is important to sleep in the same bed with your spouse (of course the occasional couch sleeping because you are sick or something is different. There are circumstances). But when you sleep in the same bed as a individual, there is a special, different kind of bond that develops. You are so vulnerable in your sleep, that sharing that time of vulnerability builds a special kind of intimacy. Aside from that, it also demonstrates strength together, and marital solidness. And when you have children, it shows your children that you two are one- that you are together as partners. I could go on about this one for awhile, but I won't today....

10. Brag about your spouse in public.

     Post on their walls how awesome they are and reasons you love them. Brag about them in pubic- demonstrate how proud you are to be loved by them and to love them.

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Road Trip :/

So we went to the prison in Atoka saturday night to visit my brother. We only got an hour in the evening and had to be there by 6 to be able to see him. It was supposed to be a 2 hour drive, so we left at 3 just to be sure. We follow directions and stop at a grocery store to get a bite to eat. We asked the lady to make sure we were on the right track, and she told us how to get the rest of the way pretty quickly. About 20 minutes to get there. So we go that route and sure enough we see the prison. We have an hour to spare so we just pass the prison and go into town. Well, the town looks far away, so my dad pulls into a casino that's close. Since I had never gone gambling before, he wanted us to go in.

SInce we were new, we got a card that had $10 free on it. I won $10, so I guess it paid off. LOL.
Anyway, we go back to the prison and plan on being early. But then I notice the sign. It's the entirely wrong prison. With only 20 minutes til 6, we hop in the car and start to drive. We stop in the next city and after several people we finally find one that knows how to get there. So we follow the directions and it seems like we were driving longer than we were supposed to. So we turned around and found a little family that said we were close. So we kept going and FINALLY we saw the sign for the prison. My dad called the officers and explained how we waited at the wrong prison, and then after explaining to several higher up people, they said we could still come and see him.

So we follow the sign to the prison that says 8 miles. Those 8 miles took about 15 minutes because they were so winding and hills. Finally, we get there and get sent to one office, that sends us to another. At this point, it took us 4 hours to get there, and we were exhausted. But we got to see him. Man, that was a trip that I never want to do again!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Words to the Wise

We have officially been trying for a baby for 2 years. Two long, sad years. It hasn't all been sad. But since we've been struggling with infertility, there are several issues that have come up again and again, and I'd like to put them out there for anyone who is struggling with infertility, knows somebody that is struggling with infertility, or who knows me :)

1. You make the most of it.

Trying for a baby is exhausting, especially when you get your hopes up time after time and then are disappointed again and again. Unfortunately, infertility is not a cookie cutter and looks different for everyone.

If you are struggling with it, don't forget to love your spouse. Don't forget those midnight donut runs or all night movie marathons, or even the early morning workout sessions.

 If you know somebody struggling with it- be patient with their hearts. Don't tell them how much their life will change when they have a baby- they've made that commitment to make that change. Don't remind us that we won't be able to go on those donut runs or that we'll be lacking in sleep- we know that. We don't need reminded, because we are okay with everything that mothers complain about. We know it'll be hard- we still want it.

2. Skip the baby seasons.

You can be happy for your pregnant friends, but that doesn't mean you need to feel obligated to attend birthday parties or baby showers or Mother's Day. In my case, I had to quit crocheting for everybody else's babies. And that's okay.

If you are struggling with it- take a break. Don't get on facebook where you'll see all the babies pictures. You don't have to attend the baby showers. True friends will understand.

If you know somebody struggling with it- still invite them to events, but never make them feel bad for not coming. Some days are harder than others- and if that's one of those days, don't hold a grudge. Know that they love you and that they love your children, but they have a bigger ache inside of them that most people don't understand. And let it go.

3. Ignore the hurtful comments.

People generally think that they are being helpful. But you can only hear soooo many stories before you want to spit on them.

Struggling: You'll hear about how so and so just sneezed and got pregnant, and then you'll hear the stories that so and so tried and this is what worked. You'll also start hearing about how all your friends want their second or third child but are mad because they have to wait for this reason or that. It's even hard when the reason they can't have a second or third is infertility related, because you feel extremely bad for them but at the same time, they still have that other one to distract from the feelings of loneliness. I'm not saying it's not hard with the secondary infertility- I"m just saying that that's a whole other story.

If you know someone: Please share with them if it's infertility related because then they know you understand the feelings. However, when somebody is struggling to have a baby, it's really hard to listen to a fertile person explain why you want another one when we can't even have one. It's even more difficult when you do get pregnant again before we do, but we still love the baby all the same. It just has to be internalized, and at least we get 9 months to prepare to love that baby! But my advice is just watch your words before you say them, and don't make conversations all about babies. We want to hear about other things too!

4. Adoption

Adoption is a choice. It is a long process, it is hard, and it is not the same as getting pregnant.

Struggling: Adoption is not for everyone, and depending on your agency of choice, can be extremely expensive. LIke, $10,000 expensive when you could pay that much for in vitro and maybe have your own. And it's really really difficult to get a newborn, so sometimes you have to settle. But never feel like you have to adopt. It needs to a spirit led decision.

If you know someone: It's okay to suggest adoption, but don't push it. If the person you know starts talking about adoption- keep that line open. Ask about how it's going, where the process is at. It helps. It will also help to throw a shower once a child is received, no matter the age. And always treat the adopted child as you would if your friend had their own. That makes our hearts melt.

5. Infertility is sad.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to have some really bad days because you really really want a baby. It's also okay to have some really good days because you are child-less right now and you can. never feel guilty about that, never point out that you won't be able to do that once you have children (unless it's a happy thing). Sometimes we joke about how one of these days, we won't be able to walk around the house in our nightgowns.

6. Preparing baby Rooms

This is entirely on a personal, spiritual level. I know many couples struggling with infertility that started making a baby nursery but then when they found out they wouldn't be having a baby anytime soon, they felt like they needed to get rid of the baby room to show God that they are willing to heed to his plans on not their own. Sometimes the baby room makes couples too sad everytime they pass by that empty room, so they choose to get rid of the stuff.

We chose a different route. I feel like keeping a baby room and preparing is our way of letting God know that we know he promised us parenthood, and we are holding tight to that promise that we will be parents. So in fact, we have two complete baby nurseries. I prayed long and hard about it, but I feel like keeping the rooms is what we are supposed to do personally. It doesn't make me sad to go into the empty rooms- it makes me hopeful.

So I think this decision is completely up to the couple, and others should respect whatever decision the couple deems necessary.

I in no way intended this post to offend anybody, but to offer a few lessons that I have learned a long the way.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Halloween and why I'm as weird as I am

I know that many people disagree with me on my view of halloween. There's always the take that other holidays began as pagan holidays too, or that it's just about having fun. I'm perfectly fine with what other people do for halloween and would never in any way try to judge somebody for what they decide to do with this holiday, but I know a lot of people think I"m just over "religious" and too strict. I know most people disagree and think I'm a little over the top because I'm over sensitive of what movies I will watch or what I listen to. And I admit I'm a little over protective of myself in these areas, but this post is about why I am like this. Maybe it'll give you a fresh idea about the holiday, maybe not. Maybe you'll think I'm just as crazy, but that's okay.

It doesn't matter whether it was originally a pagan holiday or not. What I"m concerned about is how it is celebrated now, in our society. I'm all good with children dressing up in make believe and getting candy (although I'd rather my children have carrot sticks instead!). And I love that churches have began hosting their own fall festivals- I am ALL about fall festivals!

There are 2 reasons why I am like this. First of all, the bible says that God did not give us a spirit of fear- but gave us a spirit of strength and courage. I feel that the essence of halloween for some people is to get scared and have fun being scared. But because God did not give us a spirit of fear, it's my own conviction that you should not intentionally do things to make yourself scared. This includes watching scary movies, going to haunted houses, and anything to do with intentionally creating fear in somebody. I don't think God wants us to try and instill fear in one another- so I refuse to participate in decorating to bring out fear. Also, under this same impression, I don't like the idea of dressing like ghosts and witches and dead things. And especially devils. Witches and witchcraft and spiritual warfare is real. There are still witches in the world, there are still evil spirits. And with halloween comes all of the scary  "superstitions". I don't want my children raised believing in superstitions. I want them believing in what is good, what is safe, and what is courageous. I don't want them to fear witches and evil- I want them to embrace God and call on his name to fight this war.

The second reason I am like this is because one time a lady from my church told this story that happened to her. She said one night she was watching a horror movie on tv. All of a sudden, she had this bad feeling come over her. She felt demonic presence in her house, so she turned off the movie and it was still there. She said "In the name of Jesus, evil spirit flee!". Then she said she audibly heard a voice say "No, we don't have to because you invited us in".  She then had to call the elders to come and pray and anoint her home. Do I think this is a true story? I sure do. I've seen the supernatural, I've experienced God's presence. I have no reason to doubt her, and no reason to not head that warning.

I do not want to invite evil into my home or into the lives of my children or spouse. I do not want to be the reason that demonic presence feels my spiritual home. So for this reason, I pretty much abhor halloween. It makes me sad to see people get so involved in creating the scariest house. It kind of makes you think twice about what you are putting into your home, because everything has spiritual consequence- good or bad. It has nothing to do with dates or original origins of holidays- but it has EVERYTHING to do with what you are feeding your spirit in today's society.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Words that hurt

This week it was brought to my attention by me sweet husband that I was being spiritually attacked. I came home one day and cried myself ragged because I couldn't understand why people don't like me. I couldn't understand what it was about me that became so unlikeable and why everyone was feeling the need to be mean. I cried that I felt like nothing, that I was too short to count, or that I was too timid to mean anything. I asked him what was wrong with me that people weren't liking me or were lashing out on me. I questioned why he loved me, and revealed that I must be a very unlovable person for people to be hating me. They are lashing out on pictures I post, they are lashing out on facebook posts that are not even close to being provocative. My updates are not asking for a fight- I'm not asking for a debate. I'm not saying anything callous or hurtful about anybody. I'm not excluding people at work, I'm not talking about them behind their backs to one another, I'm not hiding anything from anyone. I'm being the same person I've always been- yet, I keep getting person after person lashing out at the things I say.

I got to thinking maybe I am just coming off wrong with everybody. Maybe I am deserving these harsh words that are coming my way. Maybe I am deserving of this hate. I think I've actually made myself even sicker over this.

But my husband, full of God's love, held me tight and reminded me of all the reasons he loves me. He reminded me that he loves to bend down to kiss me or get me things off the top shelves. He reminded me that he loves how I talk and how I look and the things I do. He loves me for being me. He also assured me that he's read and seen those things and told me that my spirit is being unjustly attacked and that he doesn't think anything I said should have provoked any of those responses. All the responses are seeping with sarcasm and dislike, so much that I started asking people to refrain from negative comments, and then I had to breakdown and thought I should share my struggle today after I got several more hurtful words. Perhaps the power of prayer can take care of this.

I am struggling very deeply right now to remember that I am God's creation; beautiful, sweet spirited, and kind. It took me a few days to realize that it wasn't what I was saying or doing, it was that I was legitimately being attacked by the enemy. And I know I have to stand firm, to put on the armor of God and remember what he teaches us. But even by knowing in my head, I'm feeling very beaten down right now. I thank you for your prayers.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The battle that doesn't define

I definitely have not kept our infertility troubles a secret. Many many people struggle with infertility, but it's not a problem that's often spoke about. But I figured I've kept too many secrets in my short little lifetime, that I don't want to hide what I'm dealing with anymore. So that's why from the beginning, I have not kept it hidden that we are undergoing fertility treatments. I certainly don't want it to define me, but I also know well that my struggles will be of help to somebody else. And it doesn't matter what suggestions I'm given to "give it up" to God, figuring out how to not let it define me is part of the process I am working through, and I think I'm okay with that. I don't want to be known as the woman struggling with infertility, I want to be known as the mother that overcame infertility. But I do want to share my story of this battle- I think it's time.

I knew as a teenager that something was wrong, but my mother was no longer alive and I didn't live with family. And anyone who knew me knew I was far too timid to tell anybody that something was wrong, not to mention I had no insurance and no doctor. So I waited until I was in college and could go to the doctor on my own. For the next two years, I had doctor appointments, ultra sounds, and was on several different medications to try and control my issues. But nothing worked. No birth control was strong enough to stop the problems I was having, and eventually I gave up. I dealt with my difficulties another year and then tried again at the doctors. This time I let them know that something was terribly wrong. By this time I had insurance and could go to a good doctor. Another 2 years of tests, and all the results were that I had vitamin problems. After researching myself, I told them that I think I had PCOS- polycystic ovary syndrome. They tested for this and came back no. I went to a few different doctors and every doctor said that wasn't the problem.

THen we decided to try for a baby, and since I was having so many problems, I knew we would need help. My doctor did some more tests and came up with the fact that I do no ovulate, and that is my problem. Because I was young, I had to wait a whole year of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant first. The year came, and then we were sent a specialist. Naturally, that was more testings, more ultrasounds. This took a few months. And then I finally had a diagnoses. I did indeed suffer from PCOS and had all of the symptoms that accompany that. Go figure.

So we started rounds of clomid. We finally found a dosage that made me ovulate, and the second month of that dosage we got pregnant. But very shortly after, we lost it and were devastated. But then we were ready for the next round of clomid after, and out of nowhere I randomly ovulated on my own that next month. Then the following month we tried the clomid again and the dosage wasn't working. So next month we have go to the highest dosage possible, and pray that it works because if it doesn't, then we are at the end of the line for awhile. And we have fallen upon the 2 year mark of trying to conceive.

I don't want it to define me, but I don't want to hide what I've been through either. I want to be strong, to be dedicated, and to one day be the mother of a wonderful miracle.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

But for now I'll marvel at your saving grace

This has been an exhausting week that I'm very glad is over. I wish I was more of a people person. I wish I could get along with everybody. I try, and I am extremely patient and cautious of how I talk to people, but mostly how I treat people. People don't remember what you say- they remember how you say it. They remember how you make them feel. I get my feelings hurt very easily. It's one of my personality traits that sometimes blindsides me. I'm one of those that not only wears my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes I wear my heart on my nose where it's easily punched. Sometimes I'm ashamed that I'm so sensitive. I mean- I'm bad, for even a girl, and then put me on fertility treatments with extra hormone supplements and I'm just plain out of control some days. But I am also very cautious of how I treat people. And unfortunately, that means that I often become people pleasers and want everyone to like me, and then have a hard time dealing with it when people don't like me. I know there's others out there that have to be dealing with some of this!!

But when I think about how horrible this week has been, and then all of a sudden Friday came. Friday came with big grey beautiful skies and constant dreariness... it's my favorite! God always has a way of bringing me my favorite kind of days when I feel like I cannot go on. He brought me a perfect, beautifully rainy day, and followed it by revealing an opening in the Ada head start so now I have the chance to apply for a transfer, which will spare some gas money and also spare some tearful days as well. God is so good.

And then I sit here and I look around at the beautiful day, at my current life. And sometimes all I can do is marvel at how MIGHTY God is. How beautiful he reveals himself. How wonderful he has knit me together. I have been very weepy lately, and then I realize God was preparing me for what is about to come. That God breaks my heart so he can reign. And I marvel at that.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Serving the Unreasonable

1 Peter 2:18 says:

Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gently, but also to those who are unreasonable.

This doesn't just apply to literal slaves. As we are supposed to be slaves for Christ, living our life in servanthood to God. He says whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me- so we are to serve one another. We serve one another by kindness, by giving assistance where we can, and by looking for the good in people. We serve one another at our jobs by not slandering one another, and by doing what we were hired to do with a gracious heart because we have a job.

But one of the hardest things for me is learning to be serving and kind to those that are unreasonable. When I feel left out, or excluded, I sure don't want to go out of my way to make sure you have an easy day. I don't want to be nice and swallow my hurt feelings towards those that have excluded me. Or parents that are unreasonable about their child's behavior- I sure don't want to have to serve them in kindness. Because I am a creature of immensely hurt feelings. I've learned to deal with this, and not always to the best of my ability. But the point is, we are called to serve, even when we are hurt. Even when we don't like what the person has done. We are to serve them by offering forgiveness, whether they deserve it or not. We are to serve them by watching our tongue and offering only encouragement.

It's easy to serve when the people you are around love you. When you know they'll go out of their way to help you, or they are believers in the faith and easy to get along with. How much harder it is when they have lied to you, or have judged you, cussed you, or even hit you. How much harder when they ignore your needs, and like to argue. How much harder, but how much more necessary it becomes to serve them in gentleness and goodness. Because maybe someday that is what they need to truly see the Creator of the universe.

If you have ever read the "Mark of the Lion" trilogy by Francine Rivers, there is a part of the book where the owner is getting beat by her husband. She has been very mean to her slave, and did some horrible things to her, but as she was getting beat, the slave runs and throws herself over her master to take the beating, and is left half-dead. I wish for the heart to be like that. To not matter what was done, but be willing to serve and do what I can to claim the world for Christ.

Friday, September 6, 2013


Lately, my husband and I have been going through a daily bible study on servanthood. The study in itself always seems so basic, but the " ah ha!" moments sneak up on me later that day. So I would like to share some if what has hit me hard lately.

Servants of the Lord should be humble, obedient, and act out of love, not obligation. I wish more people would understand that it's about what you can do, not what you can get. After voicing this, I had several responses about never should I be a servant because people will use you. And I say, let them use me. Because if my heart is full of love and servanthood, how far greater my blessing than a person who takes advantage of you. Let God deal with those people,because he is a just God that is faithful to his servants.

" do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of other" philippians 2:3-4

I find this particularly interesting because it clearly does not say " only look out for everybody else". No, it says to also look out for yourself, keeping in mind others interests too. That says boldly that you don't have to be walked upon. And I will leave it at that.

1 Corinthians says that you are bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. We become slaves when we engage in that gossip from our coworkers, or when we let others actions hurt  our feelings. We become bondage when we let our thoughts slip, or our words. When we give into hate. Don't give others the benefit of making you a slave of the world. If you are not a slave for christ, then by default you are of the world. God knows I fall daily in this.

Serve him with a whole heart and a willing mind. By submitting to servanthood, you allow God to open your mind to his will. And when you open your mind to his will, he will literally knock your socks off sometimes :)

Saturday, August 31, 2013


I few months ago I overheard a group of people at a restaurant who were talking about somebody that wasn't present. In the middle of a sentence, one of them stops and says "I don't consider this gossiping", and proceeds to continue. I got to thinking- whether you consider it gossiping or not, you are still slandering somebody that is not present, and that still makes it gossiping whether you believe it is or not.

How often do we try to justify our situation to dissuade the perspectives of others? If we claim Christianity when we are in the presence of believers, and we tell others we will be praying for them and try to assure them that God is in control, but then we go and live our lives by using inappropriate language constantly and doing inappropriate things- do we really think that it makes us a Christian just because we say we are? How often my heart breaks when somebody is around me, knowing I'm of faith, and try to come off like they are too, but then their lives reveal otherwise. My heart breaks for them, because if they truly knew God or were working towards a relationship with them, they'd at least try to please the creator a little bit. Or they would at least feel guilty about their actions, and not celebrate those behaviors with others.

Others cannot believe you are a Christian if you have no actions to back them up.

Just because you don't consider getting drunk a sin, doesn't make it any less of a sin. Just because it was a tiny lie, doesn't make it any less of a lie. Just because it doesn't have a heartbeat yet....doesn't make it any less of a baby.

What I"m getting at is it doesn't matter what your perspective is, if it doesn't line up with scripture, then your perspective is irrelevant. Seek the Holy words and find out how God intends for you to live your life; don't just go by what "feels" right.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Cave Dweller

Sometimes it is in the cave where God speaks the loudest. Sometimes we need the safety of the cavern to cover us, to scare us into time with our Maker. Much too often do we neglect the things of God and strut about in daily life disregarding our necessity of our Breath-Giver, because the world has been too nice to us.

Why is it that we only call on God the strongest when we are in our caves? Sometimes it is the cave that saves us. Sometimes, had we not gotten stuck in yet another rut, in yet another cave, we would slowly begin to consume ourselves with our own happiness, when the entire time it should be the happiness of our Lord.

In our caves we can see nothing but darkness. Yet, if someone was to light a match, it would illuminate the entire cave, and give light to every edge of darkness. But the point is, we need someone else to light the match because we've been in a cave so long that we have become unable to progress and we haven't allowed someone to light that match. We somehow prefer to dwell in the darkness, in the lost hope, to a point where it becomes comfortable. And comfortable is not a good place to be at all.

Sometimes I wonder how we can allow ourselves to become comfortable in the darkness of our caves. But it is in our caves where God can do the greatest work within us. It is the point where we are unable to stand on our own and allow God to light that match for us.
I can no longer be a cave- dweller.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

"I can see farther than my eyes can look"

One day a man took his young daughter on a boat trip. She was so excited because she had never been on the water- had never seen the waves of the ocean. Her anticipation climbed higher as her father drove them quite a distance to a shore, not too far from home, but far enough that the drive seemed endless. She chatted anxiously, and he amused her with stories from the sea. For he used to be a man of the sea, and to him it was just another trip. But to his only daughter, the trip was currently the whole world.

As they arrived at the docks and prepared the boat, the girl anxiously climbed in, excited to feel the wind that her father kept talking about. She was excited to hear what a wave could sound like, and she wasn't even scared of the sharks.

As the ship pulled away from the docks, the child stirred anxiously about the boat, next to her father. He sensed her pleasure, and enjoyed the moment. Her eyes were so wide, taking in the scenery. When he got the boat out in the middle, he stopped and let her stand on the seat to get a look. She looked around carefully at the waves, at the rocks, at the distance. She looked around wide eyed and in awe, and exclaimed "I can see farther than my eyes can look!"

Have you ever been able to see farther than your eyes can look? This girl got it- there is more than meets the surface. How much more can your soul look ahead than your eyes can? How much farther can you see if you open your heart to God's promises?

My eyes can look at the now. My eyes can look at the sadness from losing my baby. My eyes can look at the endless wait for my adopted child. My eyes can look at the surface, but what I can see is so much more. I can see what God has promised me- I can see my house full of tiny feet. I can see my husband being a daddy, and me finally being a mommy. I can see love and laughter and every fulfilled promise that God has told me about.

So next time you see the surface, think about what you are looking at, and when it looks grim or gloomy, try to see farther than you can look.

Monday, July 29, 2013

God Guilt vs. False Guilt

We all suffer from guilt. Sometimes it's because we said something stupid in front of somebody else. Sometimes it's that we forgot to get the dogs water before leaving the house. Maybe you have an infant that cries constantly and you've had the "what if" thoughts. Especially if you are a parent, you probably understand most of the world's guilt. We have guilt over what we should have done, what we shouldn't have done.

It was recently brought to my attention that their are two kinds of guilts. There is the guilt from God that is utilized to lead your heart to the will of God. Anything other than that is False Guilt- it's guilt intended to derive you from the will of God. So when I feel guilty because I offered a funny comment that ridiculed another, adding to the notion of gossiping- that is God guilt designed to conform my will to the truth- to whatever is right and noble. When I feel guilty because I forgot to read my bible today- that's God's guilt to correct your behavior- to lead you to the truth, whatever is right and noble.

But when I have guilt because my body isn't cooperating and I can't provide my husband with a child- that BY FAR is false guilt. I have no reason to feel guilty over this, but I do. And it's designed to turn my heart away from what is true.

When I have guilt because I forgot to leave a clean towel in the bathroom for my husband to use- yes, it would have been nice, but it is not guilt that I should dwell over.

Too often, especially us women, kick ourselves for the shoulda coulda woulda's. We feel guilty over little things, and God wants us to know that those don't matter. If they are not intended to lead you to the right cause of God- they are false.

So what have you felt guilty about lately? Do you have false guilt in your lives that you need to allow God to take from you? You gain no outcome from false guilt, but you gain a step closer to God's will when you allow God's guilt to tune your will to his.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I will sing again: The dark days of miscarriage

I remember the night we realized we were pregnant. I was at a total disbelief and walked into the room with the positive and said "Uh...Nick?". We didn't even want to consider a miscarriage because I just couldn't see how God would answer our long awaited prayers just to take it away.

And still to this day, I cannot understand it. How can people that aren't ready for children, or teenagers that don't need children, get pregnant so easily and carry with no complications whatsoever. Then these babies get aborted, or taken away. Too easy we fall pray to the "why's". And sometimes, for good reason.

When we found out that it was finalized and there was nothing we could do to prevent losing our already loved baby, I had the darkest days I've ever seen. I don't know that I've ever felt so depressed, so alone, and so unloved. I wanted to believe that God still loved me, that God still had purpose for me. But in those days, all I could do was mourn. I'd call on the Lord but I didn't feel like he cared anymore. I didn't feel like he heard me anymore. I felt like he had turned his back on me. Those are some feelings I would never wish on anyone else. Why, when I needed God the most, was he the farthest away? I've never had days so dark before. Days so dark that it hurt to breathe, days so dark that when you called out to God from your heart, it was too silent.

A couple of days before I lost the baby, when it just started and I was in the most physical pain I've ever felt- that's when the answers came. They sounds of redemption and hope flooded into my home once more. I believe it was John in the bible that asked why they had to go through so much pain, and God responded that he shines strongest in our most weakness. John responds "Then I shall rejoice in my weakness for you are strong". We see this again with Hannah, my current favorite model of the bible. It wasn't until her absolute weakest point that God finally gave her a child. That's how he works.

If this was my weakest point, the point where I gave up and gave in to the sacrifice my body was making, then I am assured that there was good that came out of this. I don't even know what it is yet, but I do know that was my weakest, and in it I gained comfort and regained a sense of love. I don't even have to understand why at this point, but God answered why he can't say why. He answered that he won't give me the reason why this happened except to let me know that he needed me at my weakest to be open for what is to come. And I have no idea what is to come, but whatever God needed from me at my weakest state, he got it, and in that I can rest.

I was able to breathe again without being in pain. The days of tears are less and less, and I'm able to speak with people again normally. I'm able to eat again normally, and I'm able to clean the house again normally. Of course, I'm taking it all slow as I'm still in recovery. But the exact moment I lost the baby, all of the aches in my body vanished instantly. All of my stress, all of my sadness- everything was lifted. I felt relieved that my baby got a free ride to heaven, and that he/she is dancing with my mother and Jesus.

I don't know why, and I don't have to know why anymore. I know that God still loves me, God will still make me a mother both biologically and adopted, and that God still showers me with gifts. He still cares. I feel fully at peace again with his presence and with the love of everyone that has kept us in their prayers. I feel more normal, though I will also have a little bit of heart ache for my first baby.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The chasm is far too wide

My head knows that God loves me. My head knows that God didn't do this, that sometimes these things happen. My head knows, but my heart can barely stand.  I don't want to be angry at God and I don't want to blame God. And if I'm honest, I don't. But my heart cannot wrap around how any of this can make sense. My head knows that God's plan is infinite, it is right, and he breaks your heart so he can restore it, so he can love you. My head knows that I don't have to understand now, that God made a promise to me to be a mother and that it will be fulfilled at a later date. My head knows all the right answers, but I've never struggled so intensely in my life. I've never felt my heart crack. And just when I think I'm going to heal just a fraction, I fall apart again. I can't eat and I can barely breathe. I feel like I can barely live. And I know this happens to many people, but God knows we've been trying for so long. God knows the tears I have poured out to him on behalf of my child for the last 2 years. And here I am praising because he's given me a miracle and allowed us to get pregnant. And then it goes away? I don't want to question God and I'm trying really hard just to cope. The only hope now is another miracle, but I don't think I have any miracles coming my way. I've held onto this for so long, and all I can do is let go. All I can do is fall apart for a little while. There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning- I guess it'll be several mornings later, because I can't even breathe in this pain.

My favorite song right now is "Your love never fails", by the Newsboys. It says "nothing can separate, even if I run away". So I'm holding so tight to God's promises so that I don't run away, but I am so relieved that nothing will separate us. I can't stand to be separate from anything right now. I'm still learning how to breathe.

Nothing can separate
Even if I run away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
You have new mercy for me everyday
Cause Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

I'm not alone here in these open seas. One of the most powerful phrases of my entire life right now. It's all I can do to not sink right now. 

God, please take away this pain, take away my confusion, and hold me closer than you've ever done before. God, hold me so tight because I'm breaking into pieces and I need somebody to keep these pieces together. I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I feel like all of my desires and dreams are being ripped from who I am, and God- I am still trusting you. Somehow, I am still clinging so don't let me breathe alone here. Don't let the chasm be far too wide.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The song we keep singing

We were very ecstatic to find out we were expecting a baby. Nearly two years of trying and heartache and doctor appointments and more disappointment and the roller coaster of losing hope and gaining hope, we already loved this child. But more doctor appointments showed that things weren't lining up as they should, and today we were presented with the news that we will be losing our baby. It's an ectopic pregnancy, which means that "hopefully" we'll miscarry quickly because that would prevent me from needing surgery. More hopes dashed, more faith tried.

I can barely grasp the concept that this child that I already love and had dreams for will not be with me. I do know that it was a baby, and that it will be waiting for me in heaven. I think I'll name it then.

The funny thing is, I'm okay. Yes, I'm hurt, I'm aching, and I don't know how I'll overcome this. But I know I will. And I know I will be a mother. And I know I've never felt anything like this before.

I don't know why God gives me so many trials. I feel like I am constantly being battered with trials, but I know he wouldn't do it if it weren't for my own good. I know he is teaching me something, and I know it has to do with patience and with finding peace. I will not question God's motives, but I will continue to pray for an overwhelming peace, and for his love to surround me. I feel like I'm about to break, but I know I'm not.

So for now we'll go on singing our song, praying our prayer, and hoping. For somehow God will help me, and I will be okay.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Nothing can separate

I have a song that's been playing in my heart for the past couple of months, so below I am posting a link to the song if you want to listen too.

The lyrics say "Nothing can separate, even if I run away- your love never fails".

We sing these lyrics or read these scriptures, but do you ever think what this is saying? NOTHING can separate. That is probably one of the most powerful statements in scripture. Nothing. God will not separate from us, and we cannot separate from him once we've accepted our savior. EVEN if we run away. Even if we don't read our bibles as we should. Even if we don't have a quiet time and really need to. EVEN if we do not make wise choices. EVEN when we make the biggest mistakes and our friends or families cannot forgive us. God is NOT separate from us. He will not budge, he will not move. How can someone not love a God who although he cares what we do and hurts by our decisions, his love is no less? It's magnificent!

Once, when I was a new believer, I was so tired after fighting the demons of my past. I came home from school and that night I didn't read my bible. The next day I said "God, I promise tonight I will read it or you never have to forgive me again". That night, I did not read my bible. As a newer believer, I struggled for months if not years by the fact that I made a promise to God, I broke that promise, and I thought God could hold me accountable since I said he never had to forgive me again. Satan used that as an attack on my soul and I walked around thinking that I wasn't worth forgiveness, that God never would forgive me and that it was a done deal. That it was over.

But that was me running away, but God showed me that I can't separate him from my life. His love NEVER fails, even when human tendencies would say otherwise. Because God is not of human nature like us. God is capable of loving us, even at our most unlovable state.

The song says "The chasm is far too wide, I never thought I'd reach the other side". The truth is, we'll NEVER reach the other side of God's love, because it is endless, it is profound, and it is forever. We will never be at a time in our life that we are not IN God's love. Consider what it means that his love never fails. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody got so mad at you that they stopped talking to you? (Or vice versa). That's a love that fails. Were you ever in love with a man (or woman) but that relationship broke off and you never spoke to them again? That's a love that fails. But our simple minds cannot comprehend the complexity of the degree to which our God loves us. If you struggle with alcohol, or drugs, or pornography, or self infliction, homosexuality, or eating disorders, or false religions, or  lack of intimacy with the Creator of our universe, his heart breaks but he will NOT move. He will NOT stop offering you a loving hand in his plan. He will hold a spot for you- wait for you. But you have to choose it. You have to stop running away.

This is the link to the song. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Why are you waiting?

I know we are working on adoption, but our adopted child we are praying for comes from the pool of fostering. You always hear that the need is so great, and maybe you've even thought to yourself that you'd like to do that someday. When your kids are grown, when you change houses, maybe after you have a child of your own first. These are all legitimate concerns. Afterall, the point of fostering is to give the best opportunity for that child to thrive while they are away from biological families. But I'd like to pose the question: Why are you waiting?

I hear so often that people want to get involved, or they'd like to someday. Heck, I've said that plenty of times in my life that one day I'd like to foster or adopt. What stopped me were those same reasons: housing, timing, wanting a child. And that's okay for a time. But I'd like to encourage you if it's ever been on your heart- consider it sooner. Consider taking the courses and then deciding whether you feel called to it. Consider taking your first child, and then consider whether you'd do it again. (More times than not, foster parents say that it might have been a lot of heartache, but they'd do it again in a second!) I just want to encourage you to take the journey- to start the process if God has ever laid this upon your heart. Because there are SO many children out there that don't feel loved, that feel abandoned, and they are scared.

I never felt such a strong urgency for this until I took this training portion today and they gave us numbers. Statistical numbers that show how many children are being abused, how many are being neglected, and how many are suffering at the feelings of invalidness and lack of want. Did you know that 1 in 8 children placed in foster care are STILL being abused? Christians unite!,  and CHANGE these statistics. 1 in 8 is more than I want on the data!!! Oklahoma ranks in the top states for children in government custody. The more children that need temporary homes means that we need more Christian parents and single people willing to love a child for a season but pray for them for a lifetime.

Sometimes, it's not your calling and that's okay. There are other ways to get involved. Volunteer at shelters, love those children that think they are unlovable. Go to the Waiting Child of the Heart Gallery of OKlahoma website, look at those children and pick one to be in prayer for every day. One you will never see in your life, but you can intercede for their souls.

You can still make a difference.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Adoption and the Waiting Game

Today we had our home walk through for the adoption. It wasn't the home study which will question our habits, likes, and backgrounds, but it was a simple walk through to see our home and point out any hazards or areas we need to have taken care of before the home study. (But everything was a go!)

It was a simple walk through....that lasted 2 hours! We signed papers, answered questions about our home and safety measures, established our emergency contacts and vacancy routes for fires and tornados, and then even more paperwork.  And then we were finally able to ask questions. I have waited very long to ask questions.

Some things we need to think about is whether we want to take the initiative to look through files of children, or whether we want to attend adoption parties. Or wait. Whether we wanted to read the adoption handbook beforehand, or wait until there is a possible child. And then keep waiting.   It sounds so complicated, but so...adventurous. I feel like we have no idea what we are getting into, and yet, I feel so led to continue this journey. THis is right for us.

One thing she did bring up was the strain on marriages. I feel so blessed to share such a privileged and communicative relationship with my best friend and love of my life. One thing we do know is that this relationship is the priority, and without it we could never add children to our equation. We thank the Lord daily for his gifts and his blessings he has given our marriage. Barren or not, he has called us to be parents of a child somewhere (and in this he continues on my life lesson about His timing. This lesson goes way back to childhood!). Now all we have to do is...wait. Fingerprints, wait, home study, wait, paper work, wait, trainings, paperwork, wait, approval, sign offs, wait. And wait and wait for that call that we will receive one day that will say "We have a child for you!" (Or children!! :)  ).

So it becomes more paperwork and patience. But I'm ready!

Monday, July 1, 2013

The Odd Duck Out: Lessons in Righteousness

I have always felt different, out of place. Friendships come difficulty, and I am just not a people person. Much of it could be attributed to the middle child syndrome that I suffered from as a kid (and let's face it- much into adulthood). But I've always longed for friendships, longed to fit in. But I don't watch the movies others watch. I don't listen to what others listen to. I choose a quiet night at home with yarn (don't judge!) over attending a weekend party with booze. Out of place? Probably so. I hold myself to higher standards and choose not to participate in local conversation. Does that make me a lone duck? The odd one out? Kind of.

But then it becomes evident even within the christian circle. I don't have children, so again I don't fit in. I"m not very tall, so again I don't fit in.  Sometimes it feels like a never ending circle- that it doesn't matter how hard I try or how broken I feel, I'm just the odd one out.

And over time I've learned that that's okay. I don't have to fit in, and I don't have to have friends. I overhead a talk show a few weeks ago and there was a phrase that struck me: Loneliness goes with the spiritually led. This stopped me in my tracks.

Those that are choosing to follow the Lord, those that are seeking his will- will he really lead them through loneliness? And I think the answer is yes. It appears that many of the Lord's servants went through a state of loneliness in their lives. Sometimes longer than most, sometimes shorter. My favorite example is, of course, Elizabeth. She was barren, and prayed to God for a child. She was swarmed in loneliness, even with the love of her husband trying to console her. So much that her husband even said "am I not enough?". But it was just for a period, for God consoled that loneliness that ached within her for a child. Granted, it was a VERY long journey of loneliness.

We see it again with Job. His friends left him, his spouse left him. He had nobody. But his example shows us that in our great loneliness, God does amazing works. God takes the most glory out of loneliness, whether it be suffering from a disease that separates you from the ones that love you, or whether it be that you just aren't clicking with your co-workers. It could be that you are forever suffering from middle child syndrome (or baby syndrome!) and sometimes you forget that in your deepest loneliness, righteousness comes forth. Loneliness follows you for a season, but out of that surface the greatest of life's lessons: the will of God that leads to Righteousness.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Step 1: My heart

I have decided that I must write. I must make this available for others to read to share in our sorrows and encourage us through the two journeys we have ahead. This blog will often consist of the two most  time-consuming passions of my life right now: My journey through the process of obtaining my doctorate degree in Curriculum Development; and the never-ending feeling to mother.

I will often speak about my educational goals because they mean a great deal to me. Am I a little crazy for deciding to go on to even higher education and become Dr. Geisler? Yes, a little. Actually, if you see my desk and soon to be the walls of my dining room, you will definitely think crazy. I think you have to be a little to keep going. When I talk about going through the Big D, I really mean that nasty word: Dissertation. The process seems so endless. But, I am the first in a very long line of generations to graduate, and I want to set higher standards for the children that will one day grace our household. So sometimes, I will speak about this part of my life that I must dedicate so much to studying and annotating.

The other thing I will talk about fairly often is my "Momma heart". I think it is probably somewhere within every woman. Unfortunately, my Momma Heart is hard to fill, and some days it becomes relying on God's mercy to get me through. Some days are harder, and some days when I'm up to my elbows in research, I feel okay. I teach and I work with babies at church, so my heart often gets full loving on others' babies. But sometimes..., just Momma heart aches. And I've learned that that's okay.

Now the real reason for starting a public blog is that tomorrow marks a very real day for my husband and I. We have been working towards adoption for several months now, and many of our friends and family have been in prayer with us for this. But tomorrow we start the training, followed by our first home visit. And then our home walk through. We are serious (and yes, it scares me to death).

After much prayer and much research, we opted to adopt through DHS. Many people ask me why I don't use another agency and get a newborn baby. To be honest, of course I would rather have a newborn straight from the hospital. But God doesn't always work that way. God didn't say he would only accept us and love us if we came to him as a newborn from our mother's wombs. He says to come to us where we are and how we are. If it be God's will that we do end up with a newborn, I will praise God just as much as if he sends us a 2 year old, or a 5 year old. But somewhere out there, there is a child (or 2 or 3!) that will need a loving home, whose parental rights have been revoked and this child is scared, and worried, and unloved. I want that child. I want the child that doesn't understand what's going on but is sad. I want the child that needs to understand that God's love redeems, and that God's love forgives. And that even though they were not conceived in my womb, that they were conceived in my heart, and in God's heart.

So here we begin the journey into adoption. I have no doubt that this will be a hard road, that there will be tears and pain and worry. But I also have no doubt that my God is big. That my God is love. And that my God is mine.