Desire

Infertility is such a secret struggle. Mostly because it's extremely personal. But part of the reason I haven't kept this issue hidden is that other women are struggling with it too and have nobody to ease the pain of not being able to have the children you want. Even if it's secondary infertility- because I know I will probably struggle with that as well. My heart breaks for other women facing infertility- because I've been there. I've cried the tears of jealousy and envy. I've cried the tears of fear, and the tears of guilt. I've been there.

I wish I had words to encourage others. But I don't have the words because infertility is sometimes inconsolable. Sometimes infertility  is just not fair. I get it. And I hate it.

But I do know that our God is a God of love, a God of reason, and a God of promise. I do not think God would put such a strong desire for children in the hearts of these women if he did not intend to fulfill their hearts' longing. "Delight thyself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart". I think this is where the answer lies. Delighting yourself in the Lord. Learning to focus on his love for you, and learning to delight in what he has given you already- relationships, sunsets, opportunities. But I don't for a moment believe that it will simply ease your pain, because this isn't a superficial kind of pain- it's a longing so deep in your heart that sometimes can't be warded off. And that's okay.

It's okay to be sad and it's okay to let us be sad. Quite simply, God shines brightest at our weakest moments. Keep that in mind, because you get very weak in the struggle against infertility.

Women that struggle with this don't expect a perfect baby- heck, we don't even want a perfect baby. we just want ours. We will be grateful for morning sickness and swollen feet, kicks to the rib, and labor pain. We know it will suck and be hard- but we still want it. Now that's desire.