Monday, September 30, 2013

Halloween and why I'm as weird as I am

I know that many people disagree with me on my view of halloween. There's always the take that other holidays began as pagan holidays too, or that it's just about having fun. I'm perfectly fine with what other people do for halloween and would never in any way try to judge somebody for what they decide to do with this holiday, but I know a lot of people think I"m just over "religious" and too strict. I know most people disagree and think I'm a little over the top because I'm over sensitive of what movies I will watch or what I listen to. And I admit I'm a little over protective of myself in these areas, but this post is about why I am like this. Maybe it'll give you a fresh idea about the holiday, maybe not. Maybe you'll think I'm just as crazy, but that's okay.

It doesn't matter whether it was originally a pagan holiday or not. What I"m concerned about is how it is celebrated now, in our society. I'm all good with children dressing up in make believe and getting candy (although I'd rather my children have carrot sticks instead!). And I love that churches have began hosting their own fall festivals- I am ALL about fall festivals!

There are 2 reasons why I am like this. First of all, the bible says that God did not give us a spirit of fear- but gave us a spirit of strength and courage. I feel that the essence of halloween for some people is to get scared and have fun being scared. But because God did not give us a spirit of fear, it's my own conviction that you should not intentionally do things to make yourself scared. This includes watching scary movies, going to haunted houses, and anything to do with intentionally creating fear in somebody. I don't think God wants us to try and instill fear in one another- so I refuse to participate in decorating to bring out fear. Also, under this same impression, I don't like the idea of dressing like ghosts and witches and dead things. And especially devils. Witches and witchcraft and spiritual warfare is real. There are still witches in the world, there are still evil spirits. And with halloween comes all of the scary  "superstitions". I don't want my children raised believing in superstitions. I want them believing in what is good, what is safe, and what is courageous. I don't want them to fear witches and evil- I want them to embrace God and call on his name to fight this war.

The second reason I am like this is because one time a lady from my church told this story that happened to her. She said one night she was watching a horror movie on tv. All of a sudden, she had this bad feeling come over her. She felt demonic presence in her house, so she turned off the movie and it was still there. She said "In the name of Jesus, evil spirit flee!". Then she said she audibly heard a voice say "No, we don't have to because you invited us in".  She then had to call the elders to come and pray and anoint her home. Do I think this is a true story? I sure do. I've seen the supernatural, I've experienced God's presence. I have no reason to doubt her, and no reason to not head that warning.

I do not want to invite evil into my home or into the lives of my children or spouse. I do not want to be the reason that demonic presence feels my spiritual home. So for this reason, I pretty much abhor halloween. It makes me sad to see people get so involved in creating the scariest house. It kind of makes you think twice about what you are putting into your home, because everything has spiritual consequence- good or bad. It has nothing to do with dates or original origins of holidays- but it has EVERYTHING to do with what you are feeding your spirit in today's society.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Words that hurt

This week it was brought to my attention by me sweet husband that I was being spiritually attacked. I came home one day and cried myself ragged because I couldn't understand why people don't like me. I couldn't understand what it was about me that became so unlikeable and why everyone was feeling the need to be mean. I cried that I felt like nothing, that I was too short to count, or that I was too timid to mean anything. I asked him what was wrong with me that people weren't liking me or were lashing out on me. I questioned why he loved me, and revealed that I must be a very unlovable person for people to be hating me. They are lashing out on pictures I post, they are lashing out on facebook posts that are not even close to being provocative. My updates are not asking for a fight- I'm not asking for a debate. I'm not saying anything callous or hurtful about anybody. I'm not excluding people at work, I'm not talking about them behind their backs to one another, I'm not hiding anything from anyone. I'm being the same person I've always been- yet, I keep getting person after person lashing out at the things I say.

I got to thinking maybe I am just coming off wrong with everybody. Maybe I am deserving these harsh words that are coming my way. Maybe I am deserving of this hate. I think I've actually made myself even sicker over this.

But my husband, full of God's love, held me tight and reminded me of all the reasons he loves me. He reminded me that he loves to bend down to kiss me or get me things off the top shelves. He reminded me that he loves how I talk and how I look and the things I do. He loves me for being me. He also assured me that he's read and seen those things and told me that my spirit is being unjustly attacked and that he doesn't think anything I said should have provoked any of those responses. All the responses are seeping with sarcasm and dislike, so much that I started asking people to refrain from negative comments, and then I had to breakdown and thought I should share my struggle today after I got several more hurtful words. Perhaps the power of prayer can take care of this.

I am struggling very deeply right now to remember that I am God's creation; beautiful, sweet spirited, and kind. It took me a few days to realize that it wasn't what I was saying or doing, it was that I was legitimately being attacked by the enemy. And I know I have to stand firm, to put on the armor of God and remember what he teaches us. But even by knowing in my head, I'm feeling very beaten down right now. I thank you for your prayers.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The battle that doesn't define

I definitely have not kept our infertility troubles a secret. Many many people struggle with infertility, but it's not a problem that's often spoke about. But I figured I've kept too many secrets in my short little lifetime, that I don't want to hide what I'm dealing with anymore. So that's why from the beginning, I have not kept it hidden that we are undergoing fertility treatments. I certainly don't want it to define me, but I also know well that my struggles will be of help to somebody else. And it doesn't matter what suggestions I'm given to "give it up" to God, figuring out how to not let it define me is part of the process I am working through, and I think I'm okay with that. I don't want to be known as the woman struggling with infertility, I want to be known as the mother that overcame infertility. But I do want to share my story of this battle- I think it's time.

I knew as a teenager that something was wrong, but my mother was no longer alive and I didn't live with family. And anyone who knew me knew I was far too timid to tell anybody that something was wrong, not to mention I had no insurance and no doctor. So I waited until I was in college and could go to the doctor on my own. For the next two years, I had doctor appointments, ultra sounds, and was on several different medications to try and control my issues. But nothing worked. No birth control was strong enough to stop the problems I was having, and eventually I gave up. I dealt with my difficulties another year and then tried again at the doctors. This time I let them know that something was terribly wrong. By this time I had insurance and could go to a good doctor. Another 2 years of tests, and all the results were that I had vitamin problems. After researching myself, I told them that I think I had PCOS- polycystic ovary syndrome. They tested for this and came back no. I went to a few different doctors and every doctor said that wasn't the problem.

THen we decided to try for a baby, and since I was having so many problems, I knew we would need help. My doctor did some more tests and came up with the fact that I do no ovulate, and that is my problem. Because I was young, I had to wait a whole year of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant first. The year came, and then we were sent a specialist. Naturally, that was more testings, more ultrasounds. This took a few months. And then I finally had a diagnoses. I did indeed suffer from PCOS and had all of the symptoms that accompany that. Go figure.

So we started rounds of clomid. We finally found a dosage that made me ovulate, and the second month of that dosage we got pregnant. But very shortly after, we lost it and were devastated. But then we were ready for the next round of clomid after, and out of nowhere I randomly ovulated on my own that next month. Then the following month we tried the clomid again and the dosage wasn't working. So next month we have go to the highest dosage possible, and pray that it works because if it doesn't, then we are at the end of the line for awhile. And we have fallen upon the 2 year mark of trying to conceive.

I don't want it to define me, but I don't want to hide what I've been through either. I want to be strong, to be dedicated, and to one day be the mother of a wonderful miracle.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

But for now I'll marvel at your saving grace

This has been an exhausting week that I'm very glad is over. I wish I was more of a people person. I wish I could get along with everybody. I try, and I am extremely patient and cautious of how I talk to people, but mostly how I treat people. People don't remember what you say- they remember how you say it. They remember how you make them feel. I get my feelings hurt very easily. It's one of my personality traits that sometimes blindsides me. I'm one of those that not only wears my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes I wear my heart on my nose where it's easily punched. Sometimes I'm ashamed that I'm so sensitive. I mean- I'm bad, for even a girl, and then put me on fertility treatments with extra hormone supplements and I'm just plain out of control some days. But I am also very cautious of how I treat people. And unfortunately, that means that I often become people pleasers and want everyone to like me, and then have a hard time dealing with it when people don't like me. I know there's others out there that have to be dealing with some of this!!

But when I think about how horrible this week has been, and then all of a sudden Friday came. Friday came with big grey beautiful skies and constant dreariness... it's my favorite! God always has a way of bringing me my favorite kind of days when I feel like I cannot go on. He brought me a perfect, beautifully rainy day, and followed it by revealing an opening in the Ada head start so now I have the chance to apply for a transfer, which will spare some gas money and also spare some tearful days as well. God is so good.

And then I sit here and I look around at the beautiful day, at my current life. And sometimes all I can do is marvel at how MIGHTY God is. How beautiful he reveals himself. How wonderful he has knit me together. I have been very weepy lately, and then I realize God was preparing me for what is about to come. That God breaks my heart so he can reign. And I marvel at that.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Serving the Unreasonable

1 Peter 2:18 says:

Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gently, but also to those who are unreasonable.

This doesn't just apply to literal slaves. As we are supposed to be slaves for Christ, living our life in servanthood to God. He says whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me- so we are to serve one another. We serve one another by kindness, by giving assistance where we can, and by looking for the good in people. We serve one another at our jobs by not slandering one another, and by doing what we were hired to do with a gracious heart because we have a job.

But one of the hardest things for me is learning to be serving and kind to those that are unreasonable. When I feel left out, or excluded, I sure don't want to go out of my way to make sure you have an easy day. I don't want to be nice and swallow my hurt feelings towards those that have excluded me. Or parents that are unreasonable about their child's behavior- I sure don't want to have to serve them in kindness. Because I am a creature of immensely hurt feelings. I've learned to deal with this, and not always to the best of my ability. But the point is, we are called to serve, even when we are hurt. Even when we don't like what the person has done. We are to serve them by offering forgiveness, whether they deserve it or not. We are to serve them by watching our tongue and offering only encouragement.

It's easy to serve when the people you are around love you. When you know they'll go out of their way to help you, or they are believers in the faith and easy to get along with. How much harder it is when they have lied to you, or have judged you, cussed you, or even hit you. How much harder when they ignore your needs, and like to argue. How much harder, but how much more necessary it becomes to serve them in gentleness and goodness. Because maybe someday that is what they need to truly see the Creator of the universe.

If you have ever read the "Mark of the Lion" trilogy by Francine Rivers, there is a part of the book where the owner is getting beat by her husband. She has been very mean to her slave, and did some horrible things to her, but as she was getting beat, the slave runs and throws herself over her master to take the beating, and is left half-dead. I wish for the heart to be like that. To not matter what was done, but be willing to serve and do what I can to claim the world for Christ.

Friday, September 6, 2013


Lately, my husband and I have been going through a daily bible study on servanthood. The study in itself always seems so basic, but the " ah ha!" moments sneak up on me later that day. So I would like to share some if what has hit me hard lately.

Servants of the Lord should be humble, obedient, and act out of love, not obligation. I wish more people would understand that it's about what you can do, not what you can get. After voicing this, I had several responses about never should I be a servant because people will use you. And I say, let them use me. Because if my heart is full of love and servanthood, how far greater my blessing than a person who takes advantage of you. Let God deal with those people,because he is a just God that is faithful to his servants.

" do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of other" philippians 2:3-4

I find this particularly interesting because it clearly does not say " only look out for everybody else". No, it says to also look out for yourself, keeping in mind others interests too. That says boldly that you don't have to be walked upon. And I will leave it at that.

1 Corinthians says that you are bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. We become slaves when we engage in that gossip from our coworkers, or when we let others actions hurt  our feelings. We become bondage when we let our thoughts slip, or our words. When we give into hate. Don't give others the benefit of making you a slave of the world. If you are not a slave for christ, then by default you are of the world. God knows I fall daily in this.

Serve him with a whole heart and a willing mind. By submitting to servanthood, you allow God to open your mind to his will. And when you open your mind to his will, he will literally knock your socks off sometimes :)