Saturday, October 26, 2013


Infertility is such a secret struggle. Mostly because it's extremely personal. But part of the reason I haven't kept this issue hidden is that other women are struggling with it too and have nobody to ease the pain of not being able to have the children you want. Even if it's secondary infertility- because I know I will probably struggle with that as well. My heart breaks for other women facing infertility- because I've been there. I've cried the tears of jealousy and envy. I've cried the tears of fear, and the tears of guilt. I've been there.

I wish I had words to encourage others. But I don't have the words because infertility is sometimes inconsolable. Sometimes infertility  is just not fair. I get it. And I hate it.

But I do know that our God is a God of love, a God of reason, and a God of promise. I do not think God would put such a strong desire for children in the hearts of these women if he did not intend to fulfill their hearts' longing. "Delight thyself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart". I think this is where the answer lies. Delighting yourself in the Lord. Learning to focus on his love for you, and learning to delight in what he has given you already- relationships, sunsets, opportunities. But I don't for a moment believe that it will simply ease your pain, because this isn't a superficial kind of pain- it's a longing so deep in your heart that sometimes can't be warded off. And that's okay.

It's okay to be sad and it's okay to let us be sad. Quite simply, God shines brightest at our weakest moments. Keep that in mind, because you get very weak in the struggle against infertility.

Women that struggle with this don't expect a perfect baby- heck, we don't even want a perfect baby. we just want ours. We will be grateful for morning sickness and swollen feet, kicks to the rib, and labor pain. We know it will suck and be hard- but we still want it. Now that's desire.

Friday, October 25, 2013


I have come to accept that most people just don't get me. I'm a little quirky, and I've come to be okay with my quirkiness. But just for fun, I thought I'd enlighten my readers.

I cannot eat ice cream with a spoon. It has to be a fork.
This is because the spoon has a scoop on it, and sometimes people put icecream on their spoon and pull it out of their mouth and there's residue on the spoon. And that grosses me out.

I cannot eat foods that have ugly names.
Example: Goulash. If you would call it noodle mix or spaghetti or something, I could eat it. But I hate the sound of "goulash".

I will not shop out stores that are purposefully misspelled in an attempt to be cute.
Example: Karry out Korner, Kum and go, etc. Come on people, let's be literate in America.

My hangers have to be the same color.

I think escalators are lazy.... but elevators are more lazy.

I'm kind of a grammar fanatic, but I will de-friend you for being a grammar nazi. 

I really like stories and movies about prostitute redemption. 
Moulin Rouge, Taken, Redeeming Love.

My favorite words are harlot and brothel. 
They just really have good pronunciation flow.

For as OCD as I am about cleaning... clean laundry piles up in our house. I HATE folding clothes!

I have an obsession with containers, cartons, and boxes.

I think the most romantic kind of date is sitting on a rooftop, talking and eating ice cream (with a fork). Right out of the container.

I don't have to write things down to remember them. I only write things down because I have a cute notebook for it and I like to cross things out as I do them.

I would much rather have new school supplies that I probably don't need than a new pair of shoes.

I"m kind of obsessed with pearls. And camels.

This is all I can think of right now, but I know there is more :) ENJOY

Sunday, October 20, 2013

10 things I've learned from being married

In the three short years that I have been married, there are several things that I have learned.

1. He doesn't see how messy the house is- he just sees how much he loves you.

      This one is very hard for me because I am a bit OCD. I like things in order, and I like them neat. I feel out of place when the dishes need done or clothes need folding. And I often feel like I'm neglecting wife duties, even when I do have a job too. But then I realize, he doesn't care that the trash needs out or that the laundry needs washed- he is just glad I'm home with him.

2. Don't read too much into what he says....or doesn't say.

     I have a bad habit of over-thinking everything. I have learned hard not to read into things too much. Same goes when he doesn't say something. Just because he doesn't tell me I"m pretty one day doesn't mean he doesn't think it's so. It plainly means that he doesn't think he needs to tell me because he knows I know that he thinks that.

3. It is more enjoyable to love your spouse instead of yourself.

      I have noticed that the more effort I put into showing my husband how much I love him, the more I love myself. When you live to love someone else, your life becomes more valuable. I guess that saying "It's better to love than to be loved", holds some truth.

4. Love isn't about grand gestures.

     Romance isn't just flowers and poems. Romance isn't fancy dates or sexy nights. (Sure, it's always nice!). But love is about the small gestures- the kiss goodnight, the decision to purposefully show love in an argument, the sticking it out through a hard season. That's love.

5. What others say about your marriage doesn't matter.

       In fact, outright ignore what anyone else says about your marriage. Plenty of times I"ve been told that this is just my "first" marriage. Others often think our marriage is superficial because we haven't had any outright fights (but that's down to the fact that we are both non-confrontational and don't like to disagree). The key doesn't matter how anyone else views your relationship. What matters is how the two of you view your relationship.

6. Be friends.

     This means finding something to do together, laughing together. We have plenty of romantic days, but some of my favorite are the days where we just hang out and be friends. Some of the best days are camping in the cold, or working in the yard together. Just being together.

7.  Never speak bad about your spouse in front of people.

     Never speak bad about them ever, really. If you bad talk your spouse to friends, someday, somehow, it'll come back to them, and think how they will feel when they do hear what you've been saying. Instead, uplift them to your friends. When your friends start talking poorly about their husbands, interject how great your spouse is- how he did something that made you feel loved. Sure, they may feel like you are rubbing it in their faces, but in reality you are uplifting your spouse in the midst of put downs. You are doing the right thing and setting a better standard for your marriage. I could go on and on about this one for a very long time, but I won't today....

8. Don't let trying for a baby jeapordize the importance of your time together.

     I don't think we've actually ever had this problem. But I know it happens ;)

9. It's important to sleep in the same bed.

      I've heard a lot of christian speakers lately talking about how you should have intimate time with your spouse but that since sleep is so vital to your health, it is more important to get a full nights sleep than to sleep in the same bed as your spouse. They say it's fine to have separate beds or separate rooms to sleep, as long as you meet marital requirements. I disagree. I think it is important to sleep in the same bed with your spouse (of course the occasional couch sleeping because you are sick or something is different. There are circumstances). But when you sleep in the same bed as a individual, there is a special, different kind of bond that develops. You are so vulnerable in your sleep, that sharing that time of vulnerability builds a special kind of intimacy. Aside from that, it also demonstrates strength together, and marital solidness. And when you have children, it shows your children that you two are one- that you are together as partners. I could go on about this one for awhile, but I won't today....

10. Brag about your spouse in public.

     Post on their walls how awesome they are and reasons you love them. Brag about them in pubic- demonstrate how proud you are to be loved by them and to love them.

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Road Trip :/

So we went to the prison in Atoka saturday night to visit my brother. We only got an hour in the evening and had to be there by 6 to be able to see him. It was supposed to be a 2 hour drive, so we left at 3 just to be sure. We follow directions and stop at a grocery store to get a bite to eat. We asked the lady to make sure we were on the right track, and she told us how to get the rest of the way pretty quickly. About 20 minutes to get there. So we go that route and sure enough we see the prison. We have an hour to spare so we just pass the prison and go into town. Well, the town looks far away, so my dad pulls into a casino that's close. Since I had never gone gambling before, he wanted us to go in.

SInce we were new, we got a card that had $10 free on it. I won $10, so I guess it paid off. LOL.
Anyway, we go back to the prison and plan on being early. But then I notice the sign. It's the entirely wrong prison. With only 20 minutes til 6, we hop in the car and start to drive. We stop in the next city and after several people we finally find one that knows how to get there. So we follow the directions and it seems like we were driving longer than we were supposed to. So we turned around and found a little family that said we were close. So we kept going and FINALLY we saw the sign for the prison. My dad called the officers and explained how we waited at the wrong prison, and then after explaining to several higher up people, they said we could still come and see him.

So we follow the sign to the prison that says 8 miles. Those 8 miles took about 15 minutes because they were so winding and hills. Finally, we get there and get sent to one office, that sends us to another. At this point, it took us 4 hours to get there, and we were exhausted. But we got to see him. Man, that was a trip that I never want to do again!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Words to the Wise

We have officially been trying for a baby for 2 years. Two long, sad years. It hasn't all been sad. But since we've been struggling with infertility, there are several issues that have come up again and again, and I'd like to put them out there for anyone who is struggling with infertility, knows somebody that is struggling with infertility, or who knows me :)

1. You make the most of it.

Trying for a baby is exhausting, especially when you get your hopes up time after time and then are disappointed again and again. Unfortunately, infertility is not a cookie cutter and looks different for everyone.

If you are struggling with it, don't forget to love your spouse. Don't forget those midnight donut runs or all night movie marathons, or even the early morning workout sessions.

 If you know somebody struggling with it- be patient with their hearts. Don't tell them how much their life will change when they have a baby- they've made that commitment to make that change. Don't remind us that we won't be able to go on those donut runs or that we'll be lacking in sleep- we know that. We don't need reminded, because we are okay with everything that mothers complain about. We know it'll be hard- we still want it.

2. Skip the baby seasons.

You can be happy for your pregnant friends, but that doesn't mean you need to feel obligated to attend birthday parties or baby showers or Mother's Day. In my case, I had to quit crocheting for everybody else's babies. And that's okay.

If you are struggling with it- take a break. Don't get on facebook where you'll see all the babies pictures. You don't have to attend the baby showers. True friends will understand.

If you know somebody struggling with it- still invite them to events, but never make them feel bad for not coming. Some days are harder than others- and if that's one of those days, don't hold a grudge. Know that they love you and that they love your children, but they have a bigger ache inside of them that most people don't understand. And let it go.

3. Ignore the hurtful comments.

People generally think that they are being helpful. But you can only hear soooo many stories before you want to spit on them.

Struggling: You'll hear about how so and so just sneezed and got pregnant, and then you'll hear the stories that so and so tried and this is what worked. You'll also start hearing about how all your friends want their second or third child but are mad because they have to wait for this reason or that. It's even hard when the reason they can't have a second or third is infertility related, because you feel extremely bad for them but at the same time, they still have that other one to distract from the feelings of loneliness. I'm not saying it's not hard with the secondary infertility- I"m just saying that that's a whole other story.

If you know someone: Please share with them if it's infertility related because then they know you understand the feelings. However, when somebody is struggling to have a baby, it's really hard to listen to a fertile person explain why you want another one when we can't even have one. It's even more difficult when you do get pregnant again before we do, but we still love the baby all the same. It just has to be internalized, and at least we get 9 months to prepare to love that baby! But my advice is just watch your words before you say them, and don't make conversations all about babies. We want to hear about other things too!

4. Adoption

Adoption is a choice. It is a long process, it is hard, and it is not the same as getting pregnant.

Struggling: Adoption is not for everyone, and depending on your agency of choice, can be extremely expensive. LIke, $10,000 expensive when you could pay that much for in vitro and maybe have your own. And it's really really difficult to get a newborn, so sometimes you have to settle. But never feel like you have to adopt. It needs to a spirit led decision.

If you know someone: It's okay to suggest adoption, but don't push it. If the person you know starts talking about adoption- keep that line open. Ask about how it's going, where the process is at. It helps. It will also help to throw a shower once a child is received, no matter the age. And always treat the adopted child as you would if your friend had their own. That makes our hearts melt.

5. Infertility is sad.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to have some really bad days because you really really want a baby. It's also okay to have some really good days because you are child-less right now and you can. never feel guilty about that, never point out that you won't be able to do that once you have children (unless it's a happy thing). Sometimes we joke about how one of these days, we won't be able to walk around the house in our nightgowns.

6. Preparing baby Rooms

This is entirely on a personal, spiritual level. I know many couples struggling with infertility that started making a baby nursery but then when they found out they wouldn't be having a baby anytime soon, they felt like they needed to get rid of the baby room to show God that they are willing to heed to his plans on not their own. Sometimes the baby room makes couples too sad everytime they pass by that empty room, so they choose to get rid of the stuff.

We chose a different route. I feel like keeping a baby room and preparing is our way of letting God know that we know he promised us parenthood, and we are holding tight to that promise that we will be parents. So in fact, we have two complete baby nurseries. I prayed long and hard about it, but I feel like keeping the rooms is what we are supposed to do personally. It doesn't make me sad to go into the empty rooms- it makes me hopeful.

So I think this decision is completely up to the couple, and others should respect whatever decision the couple deems necessary.

I in no way intended this post to offend anybody, but to offer a few lessons that I have learned a long the way.