Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My miracle

It's been incredibly difficult not to post about this before now. But now I can :)

The most difficult thing about trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is watching others around you not try and do get pregnant. And you want so much to be happy for them, and when you put everything aside, you are. And you love their babies, too. But the difficult part is showing you are happy when you are so hurt inside.

After the miscarriage, I remember asking God why in the world is he going to let this happen. Everyone always says that he won't give you more than you can handle. I disagree. I think we read the scripture wrong in this area. I think that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If he didn't, then what motivates us to turn wholly to him? We have to be given more than we can handle so that we are more likely to reach that point where we just can't do it anymore and we let him take over. IF he doesn't give us more than we can handle, that means that we can handle it on our own and sometimes disregard the creator of the universe. In everything.

I think the miscarriage got me to the place where I could not handle it. And it helped me to give up completely. Sometimes God brings you to the lowest of places because out of your weakest point, He is strongest. I understand it now.

Of course when we found out we were pregnant again, we prayed every night that we would be okay. Then we had an incident where I thought I was losing the baby, and went to the emergency room. When all was said in done, turns out we were pregnant with two but one didn't take. But the one that did is sure a fighter. The heartbeat was strong, the measurements were right on. She gave us a less than 10% chance of losing it, and next week that goes down to less than 3%. We are going to be okay. My baby is going to be okay. I get to be a Momma. I'm okay about the one not taking, because I am ecstatically in love about this tiny little peanut inside of me.

I know everyone says babies are a miracle, that everybody's babies are a miracle. But the truth is, I feel like my baby is more of a miracle because God heard my cries, he saw my heart, and after bringing me to the place my heart needed to be, he let me have a baby when, without medication, I couldn't. We were even told we would have issues on both sides, but I did get pregnant. So when other people get pregnant, I smile at their blessings, and smile doubly at my special miracle that I waited to years for. Every new mother loves their baby when they hold them, but I think there is a special, different kind of feeling that washes over new mothers who have struggled with infertility. They understand a lot more than just having a baby. They had a fight to get to that point, and though the bond is deep with any mother, I think when you've struggled with infertility, the bond might be just a little bit deeper. A little bit stronger. A little bit more overwhelming.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

A little bit of everything

I have not written in awhile for several reasons. One of those reasons includes being sick with some kind of allergies or cold or who knows what, on top of other things.

A few months back I applied to transfer to the Ada head start location. Partially to relieve current work stress, and partially to just be closer to home for when I do have children. After being told I had the position and that everything was being finalized, I realized that it was taking an extraordinarily long time, more than normal. So upon inquiring, I was notified that the position was already given to somebody else, at the last minute, for the mere fact that she was more indian than me. Normally, though upsetting, this would be understandable (thought they should have informed me sooner and not needed me to ask!), but they take no consideration into reasonings. The one that got the position lives in Sulphur, therefore she will drive back and forth to ada everything instead of staying at the Sulphur location. Make sense? Not really, not when I live in Ada.

But with that being said, a position opened up in Sulphur because of this, and I applied for the transfer to Sulphur. My heart needs the change of pace. My stress level needs the change of pace. And it will save 20 minutes driving than what I'm currently driving to get to work. Closer to home? You bet.

My doctorate is going okay. Just finished creating a curriculum review schedule. I'm thinking one day I would like to create my own homeschooling curriculum. Kind of sucks that I won't be able to home school though. My husband and I needed to compromise on this, as I think public education can be beneficial, but I know I will be an overprotective Momma and want to home school. But I want them with other children too. Dear husband just wants to public school, and as long as we are in this current school district, I don't mind as much. One less thing to fight about. But I still want to create a homeschool curriculum.

I am the nursery coordinator at church. I'm very excited to announce that beginning in January, I will be conducting the Puggles Club in the nursery. Puggles is the Awanas class for 1-3 year olds, before the Cubbies. YOu almost never hear about it because nobody wants to do it. But since I"m already in the nursery regularly and I get bored too, I thought beginning the Puggles program will give us a change of pace. I'm pretty stoked about it.

We are doing Thanksgiving at our home again this year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I enjoy having events at our home for two reasons: the first reason is because I get nervous around big crowds of people, even if I know them. And secondly is because I have a bedroom to retreat into when it gets to be too much. I guess a third reason is I know where all my bathrooms are and know my bedroom bathroom will only be used by me so I don't have to worry about walking in on anyone :) I'm a little crazy, I know.

I've got much more to say but it'll have to wait a few days ;)