It's been incredibly difficult not to post about this before now. But now I can :)
The most difficult thing about trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is watching others around you not try and do get pregnant. And you want so much to be happy for them, and when you put everything aside, you are. And you love their babies, too. But the difficult part is showing you are happy when you are so hurt inside.
After the miscarriage, I remember asking God why in the world is he going to let this happen. Everyone always says that he won't give you more than you can handle. I disagree. I think we read the scripture wrong in this area. I think that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If he didn't, then what motivates us to turn wholly to him? We have to be given more than we can handle so that we are more likely to reach that point where we just can't do it anymore and we let him take over. IF he doesn't give us more than we can handle, that means that we can handle it on our own and sometimes disregard the creator of the universe. In everything.
I think the miscarriage got me to the place where I could not handle it. And it helped me to give up completely. Sometimes God brings you to the lowest of places because out of your weakest point, He is strongest. I understand it now.
Of course when we found out we were pregnant again, we prayed every night that we would be okay. Then we had an incident where I thought I was losing the baby, and went to the emergency room. When all was said in done, turns out we were pregnant with two but one didn't take. But the one that did is sure a fighter. The heartbeat was strong, the measurements were right on. She gave us a less than 10% chance of losing it, and next week that goes down to less than 3%. We are going to be okay. My baby is going to be okay. I get to be a Momma. I'm okay about the one not taking, because I am ecstatically in love about this tiny little peanut inside of me.
I know everyone says babies are a miracle, that everybody's babies are a miracle. But the truth is, I feel like my baby is more of a miracle because God heard my cries, he saw my heart, and after bringing me to the place my heart needed to be, he let me have a baby when, without medication, I couldn't. We were even told we would have issues on both sides, but I did get pregnant. So when other people get pregnant, I smile at their blessings, and smile doubly at my special miracle that I waited to years for. Every new mother loves their baby when they hold them, but I think there is a special, different kind of feeling that washes over new mothers who have struggled with infertility. They understand a lot more than just having a baby. They had a fight to get to that point, and though the bond is deep with any mother, I think when you've struggled with infertility, the bond might be just a little bit deeper. A little bit stronger. A little bit more overwhelming.