Sunday, January 19, 2014

Woes of a Working Woman

I had no issues working further from home and making a career. Until I got pregnant and expected a child. I drive about 40-45 minutes to work and back each day. It's not a terrible amount of time and it's not horrible to drive it, but how can I justify leaving my own child an hour away? Not only being away 8 hours of a working day, but 2 additional hours due to driving? I'm so torn. I can't quit my job because my income is very much needed, and I am carrying the insurance which we really have to have, especially now. But my heart breaks thinking of leaving my child for 10 hours out of the day- 11 hours in the summer due to the required lunch break we have to take. That breaks my heart.

The atmosphere is a different story. The refusal to allow me to transfer is a different story. But both of those stories effect how much more strongly I feel about having to work where I am working.

Apparently it is very difficult to find a job you love in the same town you live that pays as well with insurance. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but I know that's absolutely not possible for our situation.

I'm just torn. I don't know what to feel, I don't know how to handle the drama I work around, or how to handle how angry I am at their refusal to transfer me on the basis of "we want you to work where you are at". I am angry and confused. And frustrated.

God, I pray for your guiding hand in this phase of our lives. Lord, I ask that you will lead me to where I need to be, and help make my circumstances more bearable.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Confronting the enemy lies: fear

I am no stranger to the feelings of fear.

I have not kept quiet about the pain I  endured during our miscarriage in hopes that it might give a spark of light to somebody else much in need. Pain was unavoidable, but the lessons learned were very valuable. I had to learn to give my guilt to God- the guilt of my health issue that causes the difficulty in getting pregnant, the guilt of not being a mother and making my family grandparents, aunts and cousins. And especially the guilt of not being able to give my husband a child when we wanted one so badly. That demon was strong, and that demon tore me apart. I had to learn the lesson of which kind of guilt came from God and which was false. I had to give in to my desire to be a mother when I knew that God promised I would be- I had to trust that promise.

It took a bit for me to let go and remember the promise. And as promised, I got pregnant again with a healthy baby. And I'm covered in fear. Not the fear of being a bad parent and not the fear of the pain in birthing, but the fear I've already known- losing my precious child. Getting excited to be pregnant because it's healthy in fear of losing what's already so valuable to me. I'm no stranger to fear, but I've never been so wrapped in fear either.

But I'm learning that God is in the God of fear. God loves me, he's made me a promise, and he is not a liar. HE IS NOT A LIAR. He does not want to hurt and harm me, he wants to prosper me, to grow me. I know this baby is healthy. I know the heartbeat is good. I know I am a mother, and God has every intent of my happiness. My fear is unwarranted, and unwanted. So bit by bit I'm trying to trust more, and to be more happy in my healthy pregnancy. How dare the enemy steal the happiness of my unborn child.  I cannot let this fear continue to take root, and I know it must stop.

So tonight I confront the enemy lies of fear. I will not let fearful thoughts take captive my day. I will not let fear keep me from loving my unborn child. I will not let fear destroy God's promise to me. I will not, and I cannot. So please agree with me, pray with me, and help us stay strong.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Shall we dance?

As a little girl, I often dreamt about dancing barefoot in the kitchen with my husband. And then later on, dancing in the living room with my family and young children. Then life continued and the world threw hate at me. Circumstances led me to believe I was ugly, unwanted, undesirable, imperfect, and not of value. I believed those lies, and at times I let them bring me down. I figured I could never get married, or have children, because I was unworthy. It took a great deal of strength from God to unravel the lies and believe the truth.

Years later I sit in the living room with my husband, doing our separate things yet we are doing them together. Sometimes we can dance in the kitchen if we want, and sometimes we just want to watch a movie, and that is perfect. God reminds me that the world lies to us. If you would have told me I would be here now, I would have cried because I wanted it so badly but believed I wasn't "pretty" enough for that to happen.

But the best days of all are the days that God dances with me. They are the days that God stirs my heart to hear his word. Shows me how to be patient with others as he is patient with me to reveal his mysteries. He shows me how patient he is with my unbelief and lack of faith. He shows me how patient he is with my imperfect thoughts and my stubbornness to correction. And he dances a dance of understanding- he knows my heartache, he knows my worries, he gets me. MY GOD GETS ME! Sometimes we dance the dance of second chances, as I begin to think the worst of people or want to disregard others. He allows me the chance of change- the dance of change. But my favorite dance of all is the dance of love. He dances in the sky while the clouds turn grey and stormy. On my worrisome days he sends the rain because he knows I love to dance in the rain. He sends the lightening and the thunder- knowing I get excited.

And when I remember, I like to ask God, shall we dance? Because I believe all of us need to dance more often ;)

Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Momma's Worry

I have no doubt I will be a good mother. I am not worried about raising my child. I am not worried about discipline or how to take care of a newborn. I think my many years of child experience and degrees in child development gives me an edge on these topics. I am not worried about giving birth (yet!). But my worries lie in what every expectant mother thinks about at one point. And after you've lost one baby, as early on as it may have been, that nagging feeling stays with you even longer.
I know we've heard a really strong heartbeat 3 different times. I know that the growth is okay. I know that I am 14 weeks and I'm showing and nothing has been out of the ordinary. I know that I have a God that is big and has this under control, who has promised me children and wipes my tears. I know most people haven't heard 3 heartbeats and had 3 ultrasounds by 14 weeks, so the fact that I've had so many and seen a healthy baby this many times makes the risks go down, since most people will be just about to go to a second ultrasound, and not the 4th. But I could definitely use prayer for a peace of mind. And any encouragement as well.

First Ultrasound at 6 weeks

3rd ultrasound at almost 12 weeks

3 months! :)

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Dream Big

If you could absolutely do anything, be anything, what would you do? If money wasn't an issue, if location wasn't an issue, what is your biggest dream?

I would like to open a homeschool based Christian School. I know this dream is probably more attainable that I can even imagine, more realistic than I think it is. So what's holding me back? My church used to have a private school- what's keeping me from re-opening it? I have the location. I have the support. And I'd totally have the children and the teachers. So what's stopping me?

I don't know that I'd get paid as well as I'm getting paid working for an indian nation. I don't know that I'd have the insurance that I have now, which is a pretty amazing benefit.

And I pray. I pray that if this is more than a dream, if this becomes a calling, that God would have to call me so loudly that my next door neighbors would hear the calling. That the pay would be as good and the insurance easy to come by. That something would happen to ensure that this plan be put to action.

It's fear.

It's fear of the unknown. Of losing the security I currently have. Of getting into more than I could handle.

I would love the make the plans, to jump on this. But I'm so afraid to lose what I have in my current job- a nice income and secure health insurance.

So what happens next, when you have a dream. Do you wait?