Monday, September 23, 2013

The battle that doesn't define

I definitely have not kept our infertility troubles a secret. Many many people struggle with infertility, but it's not a problem that's often spoke about. But I figured I've kept too many secrets in my short little lifetime, that I don't want to hide what I'm dealing with anymore. So that's why from the beginning, I have not kept it hidden that we are undergoing fertility treatments. I certainly don't want it to define me, but I also know well that my struggles will be of help to somebody else. And it doesn't matter what suggestions I'm given to "give it up" to God, figuring out how to not let it define me is part of the process I am working through, and I think I'm okay with that. I don't want to be known as the woman struggling with infertility, I want to be known as the mother that overcame infertility. But I do want to share my story of this battle- I think it's time.

I knew as a teenager that something was wrong, but my mother was no longer alive and I didn't live with family. And anyone who knew me knew I was far too timid to tell anybody that something was wrong, not to mention I had no insurance and no doctor. So I waited until I was in college and could go to the doctor on my own. For the next two years, I had doctor appointments, ultra sounds, and was on several different medications to try and control my issues. But nothing worked. No birth control was strong enough to stop the problems I was having, and eventually I gave up. I dealt with my difficulties another year and then tried again at the doctors. This time I let them know that something was terribly wrong. By this time I had insurance and could go to a good doctor. Another 2 years of tests, and all the results were that I had vitamin problems. After researching myself, I told them that I think I had PCOS- polycystic ovary syndrome. They tested for this and came back no. I went to a few different doctors and every doctor said that wasn't the problem.

THen we decided to try for a baby, and since I was having so many problems, I knew we would need help. My doctor did some more tests and came up with the fact that I do no ovulate, and that is my problem. Because I was young, I had to wait a whole year of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant first. The year came, and then we were sent a specialist. Naturally, that was more testings, more ultrasounds. This took a few months. And then I finally had a diagnoses. I did indeed suffer from PCOS and had all of the symptoms that accompany that. Go figure.

So we started rounds of clomid. We finally found a dosage that made me ovulate, and the second month of that dosage we got pregnant. But very shortly after, we lost it and were devastated. But then we were ready for the next round of clomid after, and out of nowhere I randomly ovulated on my own that next month. Then the following month we tried the clomid again and the dosage wasn't working. So next month we have go to the highest dosage possible, and pray that it works because if it doesn't, then we are at the end of the line for awhile. And we have fallen upon the 2 year mark of trying to conceive.

I don't want it to define me, but I don't want to hide what I've been through either. I want to be strong, to be dedicated, and to one day be the mother of a wonderful miracle.

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