Saturday, September 28, 2013

Words that hurt

This week it was brought to my attention by me sweet husband that I was being spiritually attacked. I came home one day and cried myself ragged because I couldn't understand why people don't like me. I couldn't understand what it was about me that became so unlikeable and why everyone was feeling the need to be mean. I cried that I felt like nothing, that I was too short to count, or that I was too timid to mean anything. I asked him what was wrong with me that people weren't liking me or were lashing out on me. I questioned why he loved me, and revealed that I must be a very unlovable person for people to be hating me. They are lashing out on pictures I post, they are lashing out on facebook posts that are not even close to being provocative. My updates are not asking for a fight- I'm not asking for a debate. I'm not saying anything callous or hurtful about anybody. I'm not excluding people at work, I'm not talking about them behind their backs to one another, I'm not hiding anything from anyone. I'm being the same person I've always been- yet, I keep getting person after person lashing out at the things I say.

I got to thinking maybe I am just coming off wrong with everybody. Maybe I am deserving these harsh words that are coming my way. Maybe I am deserving of this hate. I think I've actually made myself even sicker over this.

But my husband, full of God's love, held me tight and reminded me of all the reasons he loves me. He reminded me that he loves to bend down to kiss me or get me things off the top shelves. He reminded me that he loves how I talk and how I look and the things I do. He loves me for being me. He also assured me that he's read and seen those things and told me that my spirit is being unjustly attacked and that he doesn't think anything I said should have provoked any of those responses. All the responses are seeping with sarcasm and dislike, so much that I started asking people to refrain from negative comments, and then I had to breakdown and thought I should share my struggle today after I got several more hurtful words. Perhaps the power of prayer can take care of this.

I am struggling very deeply right now to remember that I am God's creation; beautiful, sweet spirited, and kind. It took me a few days to realize that it wasn't what I was saying or doing, it was that I was legitimately being attacked by the enemy. And I know I have to stand firm, to put on the armor of God and remember what he teaches us. But even by knowing in my head, I'm feeling very beaten down right now. I thank you for your prayers.

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