Friday, June 28, 2013

Step 1: My heart

I have decided that I must write. I must make this available for others to read to share in our sorrows and encourage us through the two journeys we have ahead. This blog will often consist of the two most  time-consuming passions of my life right now: My journey through the process of obtaining my doctorate degree in Curriculum Development; and the never-ending feeling to mother.

I will often speak about my educational goals because they mean a great deal to me. Am I a little crazy for deciding to go on to even higher education and become Dr. Geisler? Yes, a little. Actually, if you see my desk and soon to be the walls of my dining room, you will definitely think crazy. I think you have to be a little to keep going. When I talk about going through the Big D, I really mean that nasty word: Dissertation. The process seems so endless. But, I am the first in a very long line of generations to graduate, and I want to set higher standards for the children that will one day grace our household. So sometimes, I will speak about this part of my life that I must dedicate so much to studying and annotating.

The other thing I will talk about fairly often is my "Momma heart". I think it is probably somewhere within every woman. Unfortunately, my Momma Heart is hard to fill, and some days it becomes relying on God's mercy to get me through. Some days are harder, and some days when I'm up to my elbows in research, I feel okay. I teach and I work with babies at church, so my heart often gets full loving on others' babies. But sometimes..., just Momma heart aches. And I've learned that that's okay.

Now the real reason for starting a public blog is that tomorrow marks a very real day for my husband and I. We have been working towards adoption for several months now, and many of our friends and family have been in prayer with us for this. But tomorrow we start the training, followed by our first home visit. And then our home walk through. We are serious (and yes, it scares me to death).

After much prayer and much research, we opted to adopt through DHS. Many people ask me why I don't use another agency and get a newborn baby. To be honest, of course I would rather have a newborn straight from the hospital. But God doesn't always work that way. God didn't say he would only accept us and love us if we came to him as a newborn from our mother's wombs. He says to come to us where we are and how we are. If it be God's will that we do end up with a newborn, I will praise God just as much as if he sends us a 2 year old, or a 5 year old. But somewhere out there, there is a child (or 2 or 3!) that will need a loving home, whose parental rights have been revoked and this child is scared, and worried, and unloved. I want that child. I want the child that doesn't understand what's going on but is sad. I want the child that needs to understand that God's love redeems, and that God's love forgives. And that even though they were not conceived in my womb, that they were conceived in my heart, and in God's heart.

So here we begin the journey into adoption. I have no doubt that this will be a hard road, that there will be tears and pain and worry. But I also have no doubt that my God is big. That my God is love. And that my God is mine.

No comments:

Post a Comment