Sunday, July 21, 2013

The chasm is far too wide

My head knows that God loves me. My head knows that God didn't do this, that sometimes these things happen. My head knows, but my heart can barely stand.  I don't want to be angry at God and I don't want to blame God. And if I'm honest, I don't. But my heart cannot wrap around how any of this can make sense. My head knows that God's plan is infinite, it is right, and he breaks your heart so he can restore it, so he can love you. My head knows that I don't have to understand now, that God made a promise to me to be a mother and that it will be fulfilled at a later date. My head knows all the right answers, but I've never struggled so intensely in my life. I've never felt my heart crack. And just when I think I'm going to heal just a fraction, I fall apart again. I can't eat and I can barely breathe. I feel like I can barely live. And I know this happens to many people, but God knows we've been trying for so long. God knows the tears I have poured out to him on behalf of my child for the last 2 years. And here I am praising because he's given me a miracle and allowed us to get pregnant. And then it goes away? I don't want to question God and I'm trying really hard just to cope. The only hope now is another miracle, but I don't think I have any miracles coming my way. I've held onto this for so long, and all I can do is let go. All I can do is fall apart for a little while. There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning- I guess it'll be several mornings later, because I can't even breathe in this pain.

My favorite song right now is "Your love never fails", by the Newsboys. It says "nothing can separate, even if I run away". So I'm holding so tight to God's promises so that I don't run away, but I am so relieved that nothing will separate us. I can't stand to be separate from anything right now. I'm still learning how to breathe.

Nothing can separate
Even if I run away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
You have new mercy for me everyday
Cause Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

I'm not alone here in these open seas. One of the most powerful phrases of my entire life right now. It's all I can do to not sink right now. 

God, please take away this pain, take away my confusion, and hold me closer than you've ever done before. God, hold me so tight because I'm breaking into pieces and I need somebody to keep these pieces together. I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I feel like all of my desires and dreams are being ripped from who I am, and God- I am still trusting you. Somehow, I am still clinging so don't let me breathe alone here. Don't let the chasm be far too wide.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Candi -- I wish I could ease some of the pain from you. Love you....Prayers! -- Laressa