I remember the night we realized we were pregnant. I was at a total disbelief and walked into the room with the positive and said "Uh...Nick?". We didn't even want to consider a miscarriage because I just couldn't see how God would answer our long awaited prayers just to take it away.
And still to this day, I cannot understand it. How can people that aren't ready for children, or teenagers that don't need children, get pregnant so easily and carry with no complications whatsoever. Then these babies get aborted, or taken away. Too easy we fall pray to the "why's". And sometimes, for good reason.
When we found out that it was finalized and there was nothing we could do to prevent losing our already loved baby, I had the darkest days I've ever seen. I don't know that I've ever felt so depressed, so alone, and so unloved. I wanted to believe that God still loved me, that God still had purpose for me. But in those days, all I could do was mourn. I'd call on the Lord but I didn't feel like he cared anymore. I didn't feel like he heard me anymore. I felt like he had turned his back on me. Those are some feelings I would never wish on anyone else. Why, when I needed God the most, was he the farthest away? I've never had days so dark before. Days so dark that it hurt to breathe, days so dark that when you called out to God from your heart, it was too silent.
A couple of days before I lost the baby, when it just started and I was in the most physical pain I've ever felt- that's when the answers came. They sounds of redemption and hope flooded into my home once more. I believe it was John in the bible that asked why they had to go through so much pain, and God responded that he shines strongest in our most weakness. John responds "Then I shall rejoice in my weakness for you are strong". We see this again with Hannah, my current favorite model of the bible. It wasn't until her absolute weakest point that God finally gave her a child. That's how he works.
If this was my weakest point, the point where I gave up and gave in to the sacrifice my body was making, then I am assured that there was good that came out of this. I don't even know what it is yet, but I do know that was my weakest, and in it I gained comfort and regained a sense of love. I don't even have to understand why at this point, but God answered why he can't say why. He answered that he won't give me the reason why this happened except to let me know that he needed me at my weakest to be open for what is to come. And I have no idea what is to come, but whatever God needed from me at my weakest state, he got it, and in that I can rest.
I was able to breathe again without being in pain. The days of tears are less and less, and I'm able to speak with people again normally. I'm able to eat again normally, and I'm able to clean the house again normally. Of course, I'm taking it all slow as I'm still in recovery. But the exact moment I lost the baby, all of the aches in my body vanished instantly. All of my stress, all of my sadness- everything was lifted. I felt relieved that my baby got a free ride to heaven, and that he/she is dancing with my mother and Jesus.
I don't know why, and I don't have to know why anymore. I know that God still loves me, God will still make me a mother both biologically and adopted, and that God still showers me with gifts. He still cares. I feel fully at peace again with his presence and with the love of everyone that has kept us in their prayers. I feel more normal, though I will also have a little bit of heart ache for my first baby.