We were very ecstatic to find out we were expecting a baby. Nearly two years of trying and heartache and doctor appointments and more disappointment and the roller coaster of losing hope and gaining hope, we already loved this child. But more doctor appointments showed that things weren't lining up as they should, and today we were presented with the news that we will be losing our baby. It's an ectopic pregnancy, which means that "hopefully" we'll miscarry quickly because that would prevent me from needing surgery. More hopes dashed, more faith tried.
I can barely grasp the concept that this child that I already love and had dreams for will not be with me. I do know that it was a baby, and that it will be waiting for me in heaven. I think I'll name it then.
The funny thing is, I'm okay. Yes, I'm hurt, I'm aching, and I don't know how I'll overcome this. But I know I will. And I know I will be a mother. And I know I've never felt anything like this before.
I don't know why God gives me so many trials. I feel like I am constantly being battered with trials, but I know he wouldn't do it if it weren't for my own good. I know he is teaching me something, and I know it has to do with patience and with finding peace. I will not question God's motives, but I will continue to pray for an overwhelming peace, and for his love to surround me. I feel like I'm about to break, but I know I'm not.
So for now we'll go on singing our song, praying our prayer, and hoping. For somehow God will help me, and I will be okay.