Sunday, January 29, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
But I'm also
I have a name, but I'm also grieving.
I continue my days. I walk, and move, and mostly breathe. I do what I'm supposed to, I say what I'm supposed to, but I'm also grieving.
The world outside presses forward, presses onward, presses more. Hours then days, then days and months. Life continues, but I'm also grieving.
People stop asking, people stop talking, people stop bothering. I ask to be left alone. And then, I'm left alone, but I'm also grieving.
The days push me forward, but I don't want to push forward. The wind blows around my life, but I don't always feel like I'm living. I am here, but I'm also grieving.
I do the next thing. I get up. Then I do the next thing, and clean house. Then I do the next thing, and often I have no idea what the next thing is. And I just keep going, but I'm also grieving.
My goal is joy. I run as fast as I can towards the goal of finding joy. One day, I won't have to strive for the joy- I'll just finally be there. I am trying, occasionally failing, then trying again. But I'm also grieving.
I cling to anything routine, anything standard, anything structured. I cling to the truth of who I am, what God is preparing in me, and a slightest hope that will one day turn to joy. But I'm also grieving.
I continue my days. I walk, and move, and mostly breathe. I do what I'm supposed to, I say what I'm supposed to, but I'm also grieving.
The world outside presses forward, presses onward, presses more. Hours then days, then days and months. Life continues, but I'm also grieving.
People stop asking, people stop talking, people stop bothering. I ask to be left alone. And then, I'm left alone, but I'm also grieving.
The days push me forward, but I don't want to push forward. The wind blows around my life, but I don't always feel like I'm living. I am here, but I'm also grieving.
I do the next thing. I get up. Then I do the next thing, and clean house. Then I do the next thing, and often I have no idea what the next thing is. And I just keep going, but I'm also grieving.
My goal is joy. I run as fast as I can towards the goal of finding joy. One day, I won't have to strive for the joy- I'll just finally be there. I am trying, occasionally failing, then trying again. But I'm also grieving.
I cling to anything routine, anything standard, anything structured. I cling to the truth of who I am, what God is preparing in me, and a slightest hope that will one day turn to joy. But I'm also grieving.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Financially Responsible- A Calling
When you think of being financially responsible, you think of not spending too much, paying your bills on time, even tithing and giving. But it's so much more than that. It's willing to allow God to demonstrate your responsibility. It's understanding management, but also making some very tough decisions.
I bought a house when I was 20. I had no idea what I was doing. The house was in pretty okay condition, just needed some updating. But still, I had no idea what I was doing. I was tired of going from place to place, of having no one place that was mine, that was home. So I decided to buy a house. I had no intention of getting married- my self esteem was too low to see myself as beautiful or desirable enough. I saw myself in this house, with children. I had planned to adopt.
But life changed. My heart became whole, and I saw myself as beautiful and desirable. God saw me as beautiful and desirable. And to my amazement, a very handsome man of God saw me as beautiful and desirable. And so we were married, and my home became our home. We were still too young and not financially wealthy enough to make the updates on the house. We kind of let it go and concentrated on more recent problems, such as jobs and infertility. We did well to manage money, pay bills, and keep afloat, but never enough to pay for remodeling.
The opportunity came and we decided we needed a change. We knew we couldn't sell the house, but we thought we'd rent it out, as we had the opportunity to move into a beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 1.2 bath home on land. We had hoped to rent it for awhile and eventually buy it, and eventually sell the other. We knew we should be making the repairs, but we kind of pushed it in the back of our minds. We pushed it in the back of our mind as we rented to family, as we rented to friends, and even when we hit the hard truth that the current house has too many problems that won't be able to fix inexpensively so we would eventually have to move again and not be able to buy this place. The hard truth made is weary, worried, and left the house not feeling like home. Even after painting the nursery in preparation for a baby- it lost that home feeling knowing that living here couldn't be forever. But we still weren't thinking about the long run with the other house.
But praying for financial wisdom and peace, God revealed to us what we need to do. Not that we can't afford the place we are in, but knowing we will have to eventually move and that some day, that house will eventually need sold, we made the decision to move back to the house. The cost of living there will also be less, and by following a strict budgeting plan, we will be able to save and update and remodel and make progress on the house. It's in rough condition and just needs a little love.
So we are making the move back to our house. To make it a home again, raise a family as we make the progress. As I sit around this house piled high with boxes, I try very hard not to the let the tears escape. It's a much smaller home. But we can't skip the steps- we have to make the repairs and get that house into selling condition. Get that house into family condition. Although part of me is sad to leave where I am because I hate change, part of me is catching a glimpse of excitement- to go back to the house I bought when I was too young. To fix it up, take ownership and pride in such a home. I pray that my heart will catch up to God's heart- that I'll see the beauty in that home once again. For us not living there in a few years, it's taken a beating. But it will be exciting to watch the house mold, shape, and change as my family grows inside of it.
We ask for prayer, for encouragement, for peace. And also perhaps a hand or two ;)
I bought a house when I was 20. I had no idea what I was doing. The house was in pretty okay condition, just needed some updating. But still, I had no idea what I was doing. I was tired of going from place to place, of having no one place that was mine, that was home. So I decided to buy a house. I had no intention of getting married- my self esteem was too low to see myself as beautiful or desirable enough. I saw myself in this house, with children. I had planned to adopt.
But life changed. My heart became whole, and I saw myself as beautiful and desirable. God saw me as beautiful and desirable. And to my amazement, a very handsome man of God saw me as beautiful and desirable. And so we were married, and my home became our home. We were still too young and not financially wealthy enough to make the updates on the house. We kind of let it go and concentrated on more recent problems, such as jobs and infertility. We did well to manage money, pay bills, and keep afloat, but never enough to pay for remodeling.
The opportunity came and we decided we needed a change. We knew we couldn't sell the house, but we thought we'd rent it out, as we had the opportunity to move into a beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 1.2 bath home on land. We had hoped to rent it for awhile and eventually buy it, and eventually sell the other. We knew we should be making the repairs, but we kind of pushed it in the back of our minds. We pushed it in the back of our mind as we rented to family, as we rented to friends, and even when we hit the hard truth that the current house has too many problems that won't be able to fix inexpensively so we would eventually have to move again and not be able to buy this place. The hard truth made is weary, worried, and left the house not feeling like home. Even after painting the nursery in preparation for a baby- it lost that home feeling knowing that living here couldn't be forever. But we still weren't thinking about the long run with the other house.
But praying for financial wisdom and peace, God revealed to us what we need to do. Not that we can't afford the place we are in, but knowing we will have to eventually move and that some day, that house will eventually need sold, we made the decision to move back to the house. The cost of living there will also be less, and by following a strict budgeting plan, we will be able to save and update and remodel and make progress on the house. It's in rough condition and just needs a little love.
So we are making the move back to our house. To make it a home again, raise a family as we make the progress. As I sit around this house piled high with boxes, I try very hard not to the let the tears escape. It's a much smaller home. But we can't skip the steps- we have to make the repairs and get that house into selling condition. Get that house into family condition. Although part of me is sad to leave where I am because I hate change, part of me is catching a glimpse of excitement- to go back to the house I bought when I was too young. To fix it up, take ownership and pride in such a home. I pray that my heart will catch up to God's heart- that I'll see the beauty in that home once again. For us not living there in a few years, it's taken a beating. But it will be exciting to watch the house mold, shape, and change as my family grows inside of it.
We ask for prayer, for encouragement, for peace. And also perhaps a hand or two ;)
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
The journey to baby: part 1
Awhile back I shared the short version of my testamony at church. And many people have followed along through the beginning, but now I would like to take the time to tell the story as I sit at the end of the tunnel looking back.
When we decided to have a baby, there were 3 things I knew for sure. 1) I would struggle with infertility and it would take me through the deepest valleys I was yet to face. 2) because infertility is such a secret struggle and rarely spoken about, God asked me to not be candid with my struggles. I knew there were people out there that needed to see God's faith played out and needed to know they weren't alone. 3) I absolutely KNEW God promised me children. I knew God promised me a son, and then a daughter.
Now, people have the best of intentions but only know what they have experienced. It was hard for me to let others know what I was going through, but more than anything I needed the prayers to accompany me. Once I started sharing how hard holidays were and how being motherless contributed to an even greater lack of friends, I began to get private conversations about others' struggles and how they deal. I began to have an audience. Now, I knew for sure I was going to have a child, and to make circumstances easier, I began collecting and stocking up on baby things I would need. I even began working on the nursery. I felt at peace with it, because I felt creating a space for my child was an act of obedience, a demonstration that I have faith and I believe. Several people found out about my. Any room and encouraged me that out of an act of obedience, I needed to get rid of my baby room as a sign that I surrender to what God wants to do in my life. Not bad advice.
But I struggled with that concept. Am I refusing to fully surrender by holding into my baby things and baby preparations? After a long struggle with this idea, I came to the conclusion: God may ask you to give up and surrender in your preparation of the baby that your heart so wants, or in my case he may look down at your preparation and smile as you build your home in faith. I felt justified that I was building my home in an effort of surrendering to what God has promised me.
It took 2 years to actually get pregnant for the first time. There are a lot of emotions that to into infertility, and through my blog I have tried to capture those emotions to hope they can help someone else. The greatest of these emotions was guilt. I never expected to feel guilty. I felt guilty that I couldn't make my husband a father. Or aunts and uncles and g rand parents. People really do mean well, but the question "when will you have kids?" Can easily send you into a frenzy. I expected the sadness and anger. I more than expected the feeling of defeat. But I knew I was still promised a child. I didn't know when, but I knew he was promised and his name would be Ryan.
I remember saying that if I knew I could get pregnant right when I wanted, I would wait 3 more years. God allowed me the struggle and journey, but then he STILL gave me my heart's desire... 3 years later...
When we decided to have a baby, there were 3 things I knew for sure. 1) I would struggle with infertility and it would take me through the deepest valleys I was yet to face. 2) because infertility is such a secret struggle and rarely spoken about, God asked me to not be candid with my struggles. I knew there were people out there that needed to see God's faith played out and needed to know they weren't alone. 3) I absolutely KNEW God promised me children. I knew God promised me a son, and then a daughter.
Now, people have the best of intentions but only know what they have experienced. It was hard for me to let others know what I was going through, but more than anything I needed the prayers to accompany me. Once I started sharing how hard holidays were and how being motherless contributed to an even greater lack of friends, I began to get private conversations about others' struggles and how they deal. I began to have an audience. Now, I knew for sure I was going to have a child, and to make circumstances easier, I began collecting and stocking up on baby things I would need. I even began working on the nursery. I felt at peace with it, because I felt creating a space for my child was an act of obedience, a demonstration that I have faith and I believe. Several people found out about my. Any room and encouraged me that out of an act of obedience, I needed to get rid of my baby room as a sign that I surrender to what God wants to do in my life. Not bad advice.
But I struggled with that concept. Am I refusing to fully surrender by holding into my baby things and baby preparations? After a long struggle with this idea, I came to the conclusion: God may ask you to give up and surrender in your preparation of the baby that your heart so wants, or in my case he may look down at your preparation and smile as you build your home in faith. I felt justified that I was building my home in an effort of surrendering to what God has promised me.
It took 2 years to actually get pregnant for the first time. There are a lot of emotions that to into infertility, and through my blog I have tried to capture those emotions to hope they can help someone else. The greatest of these emotions was guilt. I never expected to feel guilty. I felt guilty that I couldn't make my husband a father. Or aunts and uncles and g rand parents. People really do mean well, but the question "when will you have kids?" Can easily send you into a frenzy. I expected the sadness and anger. I more than expected the feeling of defeat. But I knew I was still promised a child. I didn't know when, but I knew he was promised and his name would be Ryan.
I remember saying that if I knew I could get pregnant right when I wanted, I would wait 3 more years. God allowed me the struggle and journey, but then he STILL gave me my heart's desire... 3 years later...
Saturday, April 5, 2014
So here I stand on what you build
So many that know me know that I've been struggling with work. The location is farther than I would like to be from my newborn baby, and there have been some situations arise where I have been accused, and the atmosphere has been an issue. I've been denied a transfer twice, but this last time was due to being the only qualified teacher at the Head Start. I've been hoping after a teacher gets set in, that I might actually get the next transfer. But I was so overwhelmed with all of it that I started looking for another job. I actually got offered interviews for 2 different positions, and while the location would have been ideal, the pay cut wasn't feasible with a baby on the way and the lesser insurance.
I prayed and prayed about these jobs, and the response I was given was to stay where I was. To stick it out. I knew that's what God was wanting me to do, and so I began to pray for a change of heart. I needed a friend there, I needed somebody a little more like me. I needed a huge change of heart and peace of mind.
As I was driving one morning to work and taking my time to get there, a song came on the radio.
"Here I stand, Here I stand on what you build, you are surrounding me".
And I got to thinking, I am standing here. God has build this position for me for this time, and I am standing on this position, and I am not along because he is surrounding me. Through the accusations, through the distrust, through the atmosphere. I am not doing this job for people. I am doing this job because teaching is my calling, I love my calling, and it's God that I have to please- not supervisors, no coworkers, not parents. He is surrounding me.
"You build me up like a city of gold, the battles rage but I'm standing tall- if only I could see from your perspective, the beauty and the grace of your architecture".
And then my heart is full. God is the one I need to look to to build me up. And I can stand firm through the battles, because he is surrounding me. But my greatest prayer of all is to see the beauty and grace- to see through his perspective the situations I have been dealing with. Somehow, they are beautiful and I just don't have the eyes to see it yet.
And something changed. The atmosphere changed. The accusations went away. The positions are filled. I have a friend. No, the location isn't ideal, but my heart is changing to see his perspective where I am and to see what he is building. I don't see the whole picture, but I see just a little more peace.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
As Bold as a 3 year old
I run the nursery, and I absolutely love running the nursery. Not because my Mommy heart just loves taking care of babies. Not because I'm good at it. No, I do it for another reason.
By the age of 2, a child has developed all of their personality and spirituality that they will ever have. Now, as they grow, their personalities bloom further, but it's set in stone by 2, until they reach the age of consciously changing their inner selves. Spirituality on the other hand can either continue to flourish or it can be diminished. But by the age of 2, the "flame" of their spirituality has developed.
This is why I do the nursery. No, they don't retain a thing I teach. And no, they don't respond and act like they understand. That doesn't matter- when they are surrounded by the knowledge of God, when they are presented with the grace of God, and when they are told the story of God- their spirituality is developing.
And then they turn 3 and this happens:
Yesterday one of my 3 year old students came into class. During free play, she approached a group of about 4 of her friends in the classroom. She began to recite the fruits of the spirit. In her little voice she says "and yet I tell you, these are the fruits of the spirit...". It was very heart warming.
But then the students began to laugh at her. As she continued to try and recite her scripture, they would keep laughing and pointing at her. She got upset and said "Why are you laughing? This isn't funny! I'm trying to tell you the fruits of the spirit- this is God's word! Stop laughing, this is the truth!". My heart broke for her, but I didn't interfere. I continued watching at a distance.
She finally became frustrated at their laughing and ran to me to tattle on them, not knowing I saw the whole event. "I'm trying to tell them about God and they just keep laughing at me, and it's not funny, it's true! Why are they laughing?". I held her close and held in my tears.
Gently, I replied "Not everybody goes home and hears the words of God, they laugh because they don't understand. Did you know when Jesus was alive, he would tell people about God and they would laugh at him too. But that didn't stop him- he kept telling them about God, even when they laughed at him.". She pondered this and went on to play.
Today she comes in, pulls out her memory verse she is working on, and goes straight to the same group of kids. She says "It's okay if you laugh because you might not understand, but I need to tell you the truth. 'The Lord is our Shepherd'". They laughed a little bit, but a few minutes later after I greeted more children and turned my attention back to that particular group, one of the other girls was looking at the memory verse sheet and saying "So God died on the cross so we can live...".
And sometimes I wonder, if we could be as bold as 3 year olds....
By the age of 2, a child has developed all of their personality and spirituality that they will ever have. Now, as they grow, their personalities bloom further, but it's set in stone by 2, until they reach the age of consciously changing their inner selves. Spirituality on the other hand can either continue to flourish or it can be diminished. But by the age of 2, the "flame" of their spirituality has developed.
This is why I do the nursery. No, they don't retain a thing I teach. And no, they don't respond and act like they understand. That doesn't matter- when they are surrounded by the knowledge of God, when they are presented with the grace of God, and when they are told the story of God- their spirituality is developing.
And then they turn 3 and this happens:
Yesterday one of my 3 year old students came into class. During free play, she approached a group of about 4 of her friends in the classroom. She began to recite the fruits of the spirit. In her little voice she says "and yet I tell you, these are the fruits of the spirit...". It was very heart warming.
But then the students began to laugh at her. As she continued to try and recite her scripture, they would keep laughing and pointing at her. She got upset and said "Why are you laughing? This isn't funny! I'm trying to tell you the fruits of the spirit- this is God's word! Stop laughing, this is the truth!". My heart broke for her, but I didn't interfere. I continued watching at a distance.
She finally became frustrated at their laughing and ran to me to tattle on them, not knowing I saw the whole event. "I'm trying to tell them about God and they just keep laughing at me, and it's not funny, it's true! Why are they laughing?". I held her close and held in my tears.
Gently, I replied "Not everybody goes home and hears the words of God, they laugh because they don't understand. Did you know when Jesus was alive, he would tell people about God and they would laugh at him too. But that didn't stop him- he kept telling them about God, even when they laughed at him.". She pondered this and went on to play.
Today she comes in, pulls out her memory verse she is working on, and goes straight to the same group of kids. She says "It's okay if you laugh because you might not understand, but I need to tell you the truth. 'The Lord is our Shepherd'". They laughed a little bit, but a few minutes later after I greeted more children and turned my attention back to that particular group, one of the other girls was looking at the memory verse sheet and saying "So God died on the cross so we can live...".
And sometimes I wonder, if we could be as bold as 3 year olds....
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Do what you must do
"Lord make me a servant, make me like you- for you are a servant, make me one too. Make me a servant, do what you must do to make me a servant, Lord make me like you."
I have had this stuck in my head singing over and over again. And then I wrote down the words. I looked at the words. And I bowed my head- Lord, I get it.
Do what you must do to make me a servant.
I have had this stuck in my head singing over and over again. And then I wrote down the words. I looked at the words. And I bowed my head- Lord, I get it.
Do what you must do to make me a servant.
This past year and half dealing with the difficulties of my job, trying to understand why God has placed me in this company. Trying to understand God's reasoning behind what I've struggled with- testing my patience, testing my forgiveness, testing my endurance, testing my convictions. I have prayed about these, questioned the motives, fought against it all trying to remain positive and at peace...
And tonight I get it. Tonight I am humbled by the realization that God was completing the song in my heart. God was doing what he must do to make me a servant. He is doing what he must do to teach me to be a servant and to serve like him.
I get it.
And I am far from perfect. I want so much to fit in that sometimes I slip. Sometimes I listen when I should walk away- sometimes I talk when I should remain silent, and sometimes I remain silent when I should speak up. Sometimes my anger gets the best of me and I sin in my heart by the thoughts that I allow myself to think. Sometimes I am impatient and forget that I have the ability to forgive when things aren't being fair towards me. Sometimes I want to protest and object that I am being treated differently. But tonight I remember- I have to be treated differently. Because God is teaching me servanthood- being a servant to those I feel may not deserve it.
I get it.
Tonight I am in awe of what God has been teaching me all along. Not just to forgive, or be more patient, or guard my tongue and mind and heart. No, God was teaching me to be a servant, because I asked him to do what he must do. God is faithful. He is doing what he must do to make me like him- and I am so far from it.
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