Shall we dance?

As a little girl, I often dreamt about dancing barefoot in the kitchen with my husband. And then later on, dancing in the living room with my family and young children. Then life continued and the world threw hate at me. Circumstances led me to believe I was ugly, unwanted, undesirable, imperfect, and not of value. I believed those lies, and at times I let them bring me down. I figured I could never get married, or have children, because I was unworthy. It took a great deal of strength from God to unravel the lies and believe the truth.

Years later I sit in the living room with my husband, doing our separate things yet we are doing them together. Sometimes we can dance in the kitchen if we want, and sometimes we just want to watch a movie, and that is perfect. God reminds me that the world lies to us. If you would have told me I would be here now, I would have cried because I wanted it so badly but believed I wasn't "pretty" enough for that to happen.

But the best days of all are the days that God dances with me. They are the days that God stirs my heart to hear his word. Shows me how to be patient with others as he is patient with me to reveal his mysteries. He shows me how patient he is with my unbelief and lack of faith. He shows me how patient he is with my imperfect thoughts and my stubbornness to correction. And he dances a dance of understanding- he knows my heartache, he knows my worries, he gets me. MY GOD GETS ME! Sometimes we dance the dance of second chances, as I begin to think the worst of people or want to disregard others. He allows me the chance of change- the dance of change. But my favorite dance of all is the dance of love. He dances in the sky while the clouds turn grey and stormy. On my worrisome days he sends the rain because he knows I love to dance in the rain. He sends the lightening and the thunder- knowing I get excited.

And when I remember, I like to ask God, shall we dance? Because I believe all of us need to dance more often ;)

A Momma's Worry

I have no doubt I will be a good mother. I am not worried about raising my child. I am not worried about discipline or how to take care of a newborn. I think my many years of child experience and degrees in child development gives me an edge on these topics. I am not worried about giving birth (yet!). But my worries lie in what every expectant mother thinks about at one point. And after you've lost one baby, as early on as it may have been, that nagging feeling stays with you even longer.
I know we've heard a really strong heartbeat 3 different times. I know that the growth is okay. I know that I am 14 weeks and I'm showing and nothing has been out of the ordinary. I know that I have a God that is big and has this under control, who has promised me children and wipes my tears. I know most people haven't heard 3 heartbeats and had 3 ultrasounds by 14 weeks, so the fact that I've had so many and seen a healthy baby this many times makes the risks go down, since most people will be just about to go to a second ultrasound, and not the 4th. But I could definitely use prayer for a peace of mind. And any encouragement as well.

First Ultrasound at 6 weeks

3rd ultrasound at almost 12 weeks

3 months! :)

Dream Big

If you could absolutely do anything, be anything, what would you do? If money wasn't an issue, if location wasn't an issue, what is your biggest dream?

I would like to open a homeschool based Christian School. I know this dream is probably more attainable that I can even imagine, more realistic than I think it is. So what's holding me back? My church used to have a private school- what's keeping me from re-opening it? I have the location. I have the support. And I'd totally have the children and the teachers. So what's stopping me?

I don't know that I'd get paid as well as I'm getting paid working for an indian nation. I don't know that I'd have the insurance that I have now, which is a pretty amazing benefit.

And I pray. I pray that if this is more than a dream, if this becomes a calling, that God would have to call me so loudly that my next door neighbors would hear the calling. That the pay would be as good and the insurance easy to come by. That something would happen to ensure that this plan be put to action.

It's fear.

It's fear of the unknown. Of losing the security I currently have. Of getting into more than I could handle.

I would love the make the plans, to jump on this. But I'm so afraid to lose what I have in my current job- a nice income and secure health insurance.

So what happens next, when you have a dream. Do you wait?

A little update and a big love

I realize I have not posted in a while. Between first trimester aches and pains and getting our house ready to rent, I'm exhausted! Like, I need carried into the house and need an IV to get nutrition so I can go straight to bed when I walk in the door, kind of exhausted. But I have it very easy and I am a dynamic pregnant woman. I had like 2 days of complete sickness, but still have kept the nausea to a minimum. I'm a lucky few.

As the second trimester nears, I can feel it. I can feel my energy rising, and my belly growing. I'll take whatever the first trimester throws my way, because God loves me.

Back when I had the miscarriage, that's when I felt God so near after I surrendered some of my thinking to his. He assured me that "there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning". I've held onto that since that devastating night. I knew my joy would come in the morning, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would make me the mother of children. I held to those promises.

And today I am 3 months pregnant with one of the biggest miracles I've seen in my life. Everytime I go to the doctor and see my tiny being inside of me, every time I see my growing belly in the mirror, and every time I have trouble sleeping due to this growing child, I just want to cry. I want to cry out to God for fulfilling his promises. I want to cry out to God in thanksgiving, in praise. Nearly every day I just want to cry, because I am so in love with this tiny baby, and I am so in love with the CREATOR of this tiny baby. I think about how Jesus was once this tiny, this minature person in his Mommy's tummy.

Every turn of pregnancy pushes me closer to realizing the sacrifice Jesus made for us. There's just something about carrying a child inside of you that makes you want to praise God with every breath. And I might just do that. :) Sometimes my heart just feels so full right now that it could burst. I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am to God for his loving kindness. He sometimes gives us more than we can handle, so that we can be led to give it to Him to handle. I think this time he has given me more love than I can handle, and I can't help but to pour it back out to him. I will never take this moment, this pregnancy, this child for granted.

Call me Grinch

I just read a post from the garage sale site of a mother wanting others to donate presents (namely toys that she mentioned) to her 8 year old son for Christmas. Is it wrong to ask for a little help getting your children things they need, and sometimes want, for Christmas? No, not at all. But the end of her post stated that money is tight and she can't get many presents for her son this year, and that she really wants help because she doesn't want her son to lose the true meaning of Christmas.

And my heart broke a little. I have no problem helping families that need help for Christmas. But if a person is wanting presents so that their child doesn't lose the true meaning of Christmas, then they already have lost the meaning.

Call me Grinch. Call me a mean Momma. That's okay. My children will not be overloaded with gifts at Christmastime. (Except maybe from grandparents, and I can't help that one!). My children will get a stocking that includes a new set of pajamas to open Christmas Eve. My children will get 3 gifts in correlation of the 3 wise men which brought gifts to Jesus. One gift will be an outfit, one will have to do with learning (like books and such), and the third will be a toy. But accordingly, my children will select 3 toys of their own to donate to a child in need.

Am I bad Momma for not giving my children tons of new toys to occupy them at Christmastime? Am I bad Momma that my children won't sit on a strangers lap and ask for presents, or that they don't anticipate a real life Santa Claus leaving gifts because they are good? No, I don't think so. My children will learn about the real Santa, but he will be on the outskirts of Christmas. I will teach my children of Jesus, of why we receive gifts at Christmas in the first place, and how we can help those in need and make Christmas just as special for others.

Yes, we'll look at lights, we'll do a tree, but we will also spend time volunteering, shopping for others, and reading about our Savior.

I don't want my children to lose the true meaning of Christmas, but the true meaning is presents and reindeer, and about how much you get. It's about what you can give back to Jesus, how you can celebrate our creator. It's about humbleness. Is it wrong to give lots of presents and believe in Santa? Not necessarily, but I think if you aren't careful, in your attempt to keep the true meaning of Christmas, that you can lose it altogether.

My miracle

It's been incredibly difficult not to post about this before now. But now I can :)

The most difficult thing about trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is watching others around you not try and do get pregnant. And you want so much to be happy for them, and when you put everything aside, you are. And you love their babies, too. But the difficult part is showing you are happy when you are so hurt inside.

After the miscarriage, I remember asking God why in the world is he going to let this happen. Everyone always says that he won't give you more than you can handle. I disagree. I think we read the scripture wrong in this area. I think that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. If he didn't, then what motivates us to turn wholly to him? We have to be given more than we can handle so that we are more likely to reach that point where we just can't do it anymore and we let him take over. IF he doesn't give us more than we can handle, that means that we can handle it on our own and sometimes disregard the creator of the universe. In everything.

I think the miscarriage got me to the place where I could not handle it. And it helped me to give up completely. Sometimes God brings you to the lowest of places because out of your weakest point, He is strongest. I understand it now.

Of course when we found out we were pregnant again, we prayed every night that we would be okay. Then we had an incident where I thought I was losing the baby, and went to the emergency room. When all was said in done, turns out we were pregnant with two but one didn't take. But the one that did is sure a fighter. The heartbeat was strong, the measurements were right on. She gave us a less than 10% chance of losing it, and next week that goes down to less than 3%. We are going to be okay. My baby is going to be okay. I get to be a Momma. I'm okay about the one not taking, because I am ecstatically in love about this tiny little peanut inside of me.

I know everyone says babies are a miracle, that everybody's babies are a miracle. But the truth is, I feel like my baby is more of a miracle because God heard my cries, he saw my heart, and after bringing me to the place my heart needed to be, he let me have a baby when, without medication, I couldn't. We were even told we would have issues on both sides, but I did get pregnant. So when other people get pregnant, I smile at their blessings, and smile doubly at my special miracle that I waited to years for. Every new mother loves their baby when they hold them, but I think there is a special, different kind of feeling that washes over new mothers who have struggled with infertility. They understand a lot more than just having a baby. They had a fight to get to that point, and though the bond is deep with any mother, I think when you've struggled with infertility, the bond might be just a little bit deeper. A little bit stronger. A little bit more overwhelming.

A little bit of everything

I have not written in awhile for several reasons. One of those reasons includes being sick with some kind of allergies or cold or who knows what, on top of other things.

A few months back I applied to transfer to the Ada head start location. Partially to relieve current work stress, and partially to just be closer to home for when I do have children. After being told I had the position and that everything was being finalized, I realized that it was taking an extraordinarily long time, more than normal. So upon inquiring, I was notified that the position was already given to somebody else, at the last minute, for the mere fact that she was more indian than me. Normally, though upsetting, this would be understandable (thought they should have informed me sooner and not needed me to ask!), but they take no consideration into reasonings. The one that got the position lives in Sulphur, therefore she will drive back and forth to ada everything instead of staying at the Sulphur location. Make sense? Not really, not when I live in Ada.

But with that being said, a position opened up in Sulphur because of this, and I applied for the transfer to Sulphur. My heart needs the change of pace. My stress level needs the change of pace. And it will save 20 minutes driving than what I'm currently driving to get to work. Closer to home? You bet.

My doctorate is going okay. Just finished creating a curriculum review schedule. I'm thinking one day I would like to create my own homeschooling curriculum. Kind of sucks that I won't be able to home school though. My husband and I needed to compromise on this, as I think public education can be beneficial, but I know I will be an overprotective Momma and want to home school. But I want them with other children too. Dear husband just wants to public school, and as long as we are in this current school district, I don't mind as much. One less thing to fight about. But I still want to create a homeschool curriculum.

I am the nursery coordinator at church. I'm very excited to announce that beginning in January, I will be conducting the Puggles Club in the nursery. Puggles is the Awanas class for 1-3 year olds, before the Cubbies. YOu almost never hear about it because nobody wants to do it. But since I"m already in the nursery regularly and I get bored too, I thought beginning the Puggles program will give us a change of pace. I'm pretty stoked about it.

We are doing Thanksgiving at our home again this year, the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I enjoy having events at our home for two reasons: the first reason is because I get nervous around big crowds of people, even if I know them. And secondly is because I have a bedroom to retreat into when it gets to be too much. I guess a third reason is I know where all my bathrooms are and know my bedroom bathroom will only be used by me so I don't have to worry about walking in on anyone :) I'm a little crazy, I know.

I've got much more to say but it'll have to wait a few days ;)